Hello?
Yes. I'd like more info on writing for your site. Aw yes. NY Times? Pfft. Not funny anymore.
And to prove my point I will start
yelling out something.
USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
USA! USA! USA!
USA! USA! USA!
USA! USA! See? I knew you'd start to chant eventually. Point proven.
Self congratulatory masturbation awarded to myself.
Check and mate!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Funny dating site role reversal.
If men wrote what women write on their profiles for dating sites such as POF, OKCupid, eHarmony, and Matchmaker:
READ MY PROFILE PLZ!
I only date white girls.
Be 5 foot or shorter(just my preference cause I like my girl to wear heels and still be shorter than me)
You shuld be intellectul.
DON'T MESSAGE ME IF YOU JUST WANNA GET LAID. I'M NOT INTO THAT! GO SOMEWHERE ELSE LOSER!(I still love sex like crazy but have to write that in there just so you know I'm serious!)
No "ghetto girls" Seriously, you claiming the Westside in your late twenties Lil Kim?
I know I'm chubby. But I don't like chubby girls. Only girls that workout 6 days a week cause live a little right?
If you have a picture of your bo0bs hanging out, I might look, but totally not interested.
No baby daddy drama!
Come on girls, please don't put subject messages as "hi" or "wassap" or "ur hott". Let's be a little more original, I get 300 messages a day in my inbox, make yours standout if you want a reply. Oh yeah and I delete all messages without a photo(come on? Who doesn't have a photo these days?)!!!
I used to model for a company I can't tell you about.
Lastly, I'm definitely not attracted to black or Asian women. They are gross. Not my style which is classy. I only like white girls.
GOOD LUCK FISHING!
Interests:
white girls, motorcycles, shouting at the top of my lungs
First Date:
Its up to me to decide cause I'M THE MAN!!!
READ MY PROFILE PLZ!
I only date white girls.
Be 5 foot or shorter(just my preference cause I like my girl to wear heels and still be shorter than me)
You shuld be intellectul.
DON'T MESSAGE ME IF YOU JUST WANNA GET LAID. I'M NOT INTO THAT! GO SOMEWHERE ELSE LOSER!(I still love sex like crazy but have to write that in there just so you know I'm serious!)
No "ghetto girls" Seriously, you claiming the Westside in your late twenties Lil Kim?
I know I'm chubby. But I don't like chubby girls. Only girls that workout 6 days a week cause live a little right?
If you have a picture of your bo0bs hanging out, I might look, but totally not interested.
No baby daddy drama!
Come on girls, please don't put subject messages as "hi" or "wassap" or "ur hott". Let's be a little more original, I get 300 messages a day in my inbox, make yours standout if you want a reply. Oh yeah and I delete all messages without a photo(come on? Who doesn't have a photo these days?)!!!
I used to model for a company I can't tell you about.
Lastly, I'm definitely not attracted to black or Asian women. They are gross. Not my style which is classy. I only like white girls.
GOOD LUCK FISHING!
Interests:
white girls, motorcycles, shouting at the top of my lungs
First Date:
Its up to me to decide cause I'M THE MAN!!!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Timmy
OPEN MOUTH "Awwwwww"
Hi, I'm Timmy. People ask me why that's my name. Well for one its not. My real name is LeBron. Number two, Timmy is my nickname. I've got a big mouth.
OPEN MOUTH "AGGGGHH."
See? Stupid. Now its true I'm not a kid anymore. I'm an adult. 17 years of age now. I'm not a kid anymore, I'M A MAN. No longer 5 years old. The point is shutup about it OK?
SPIT
I ask my friends if they want to hang out ALL THE TIME. They are boring. I'm sure you're asking if they ever hang out with me. Well they have not. I guess they really aren't my friends after all. Jerks. Making a grown man like me cry.
CRY.
I have a sister. She's annoying. This is my impression of her: "Oh my gah, blahahahahhahahahaha, I'm so ugly without makeup, blah blah, I'll tell on you, blah, I'm secretly a unicorn baby love child"
LAUGH
I like video games and I like girls. Girls all want to be with me. I think its cause I'm so good looking. I'm like an appetizer. Of course I'll make you overweight and codependent but you just can't help but have another taste. OK, OK, girls don't want to be with me. They actually call me names. I'm sure you've heard Dummy, Stupid, Adopted, Poor, Alone Forever, Probably a Homosexual. That's what I get called by girls. So I play a lot of video games. I go to school with a bunch of mean girls is what I'm getting at.
Speaking of school. I do alright. My favorite class is Drama cause I get to pretend. Originally I wanted to be a baseball player or James Bond or the President when I got old, but now that I'm a man, I realize I really can be any of those in a movie. I just want to be an actor.
START MONOLOGUE ON STAGE:
Hi, I'm Timmy. People ask me why that's my name. Well for one its not. My real name is LeBron. Number two, Timmy is my nickname. I've got a big mouth.
OPEN MOUTH "AGGGGHH."
See? Stupid. Now its true I'm not a kid anymore. I'm an adult. 17 years of age now. I'm not a kid anymore, I'M A MAN. No longer 5 years old. The point is shutup about it OK?
SPIT
I ask my friends if they want to hang out ALL THE TIME. They are boring. I'm sure you're asking if they ever hang out with me. Well they have not. I guess they really aren't my friends after all. Jerks. Making a grown man like me cry.
CRY.
I have a sister. She's annoying. This is my impression of her: "Oh my gah, blahahahahhahahahaha, I'm so ugly without makeup, blah blah, I'll tell on you, blah, I'm secretly a unicorn baby love child"
LAUGH
I like video games and I like girls. Girls all want to be with me. I think its cause I'm so good looking. I'm like an appetizer. Of course I'll make you overweight and codependent but you just can't help but have another taste. OK, OK, girls don't want to be with me. They actually call me names. I'm sure you've heard Dummy, Stupid, Adopted, Poor, Alone Forever, Probably a Homosexual. That's what I get called by girls. So I play a lot of video games. I go to school with a bunch of mean girls is what I'm getting at.
Speaking of school. I do alright. My favorite class is Drama cause I get to pretend. Originally I wanted to be a baseball player or James Bond or the President when I got old, but now that I'm a man, I realize I really can be any of those in a movie. I just want to be an actor.
START MONOLOGUE ON STAGE:
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Innocence killed
I had a dream that woke me up so violently I gasped for air waking up.
It was a dream about me, my mother, my father, and my sister. They were all in it. And all played crucial roles of good vs. evil.
It's a family story. Then it got dark. I was alone at home. For some reason, the home was not what it was before. It was actually my dad's old apartment. After the divorce. And for some reason, my mother was still alive. And married to my father. I didn't like this at all.
I had just gotten home after a long time away. Nobody was home, but I had a key. Some kind of welcome back.
I noticed my pet beta fish was missing. And I went berserk looking for him. At this time, my mother and my sister came home, while I was looking all over the small apartment for my beta fish which I should mention I'm notorious for keeping alive and well in real life.
My mother explains that when my father took over he changed everything. I yell out that I'm going to get him for ruining what I'd taken so long to take care of and grow.
I yell for someone to get him on the phone. I yell "what is his number?". My sister sitting on the couch grabs out a blacked out Lotus cell phone and dials. It's not his normal number I realize by the tones. He's changed it.
I get on the phone when I hear a voice. It's not him. It's a pawn of his. Some guy, a nobody, a foot soldier. I'm talking things over and it turns out the pawn has been screwed with too. He says my father is simmering something. I'm assuming because my father is a cook at a restaurant somewhere.
The pawn puts on a fake sounding smile over the phone and transfers me over when he knows I won't put up with his bullshit.
Someone else picks up. It's a woman. Probably around my father's age. Maybe a year younger. She tells me that my father is busy. I yell for her to get him on the phone right now.
At this time, I, myself get lucky and find my beta fish, who is now barely alive. And to my amazement, they are all there. All of the fish I've had as pets growing up and into adulthood. And they've been having babies. Like kidnapped P.O.W.'s in a camp. But instead of a camp, it is a glass aquarium P.O.W. camp.
I scream that I'm going to kill him at the top of my lungs. My sister notices an all black mosquito on me. I swat it away. Then I see it on my wrist. It dives and disappears inside my skin. I see the lump in my skin as it comes up my right arm and I'm not sure if I should break whatever it is inside my body with a smack of my hand. I say, "what the hell", I go for it.
I smack at it as it goes to my biceps. It is not dying. It is robotic I realize. A spy. A spy fly. Its going to kill me if I don't act right now. I keep swatting at it.
I wake up short on breath.
It was a dream about me, my mother, my father, and my sister. They were all in it. And all played crucial roles of good vs. evil.
It's a family story. Then it got dark. I was alone at home. For some reason, the home was not what it was before. It was actually my dad's old apartment. After the divorce. And for some reason, my mother was still alive. And married to my father. I didn't like this at all.
I had just gotten home after a long time away. Nobody was home, but I had a key. Some kind of welcome back.
I noticed my pet beta fish was missing. And I went berserk looking for him. At this time, my mother and my sister came home, while I was looking all over the small apartment for my beta fish which I should mention I'm notorious for keeping alive and well in real life.
My mother explains that when my father took over he changed everything. I yell out that I'm going to get him for ruining what I'd taken so long to take care of and grow.
I yell for someone to get him on the phone. I yell "what is his number?". My sister sitting on the couch grabs out a blacked out Lotus cell phone and dials. It's not his normal number I realize by the tones. He's changed it.
I get on the phone when I hear a voice. It's not him. It's a pawn of his. Some guy, a nobody, a foot soldier. I'm talking things over and it turns out the pawn has been screwed with too. He says my father is simmering something. I'm assuming because my father is a cook at a restaurant somewhere.
The pawn puts on a fake sounding smile over the phone and transfers me over when he knows I won't put up with his bullshit.
Someone else picks up. It's a woman. Probably around my father's age. Maybe a year younger. She tells me that my father is busy. I yell for her to get him on the phone right now.
At this time, I, myself get lucky and find my beta fish, who is now barely alive. And to my amazement, they are all there. All of the fish I've had as pets growing up and into adulthood. And they've been having babies. Like kidnapped P.O.W.'s in a camp. But instead of a camp, it is a glass aquarium P.O.W. camp.
I scream that I'm going to kill him at the top of my lungs. My sister notices an all black mosquito on me. I swat it away. Then I see it on my wrist. It dives and disappears inside my skin. I see the lump in my skin as it comes up my right arm and I'm not sure if I should break whatever it is inside my body with a smack of my hand. I say, "what the hell", I go for it.
I smack at it as it goes to my biceps. It is not dying. It is robotic I realize. A spy. A spy fly. Its going to kill me if I don't act right now. I keep swatting at it.
I wake up short on breath.
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