What a weird, great Valentine's Day!

I got back to my apartment and there was a single mylar balloon tied to my doorknob. I was so dumbstruck because I didn't even have a girlfriend.

So I went inside my apartment with the balloon and put it right next to the door. At that point I heard a baby crying outside. This was weird because I live in a gated area and none of my neighbors have kids. I opened the door and there was a baby in a crib right by my front door! This baby was maybe a year old. Why was a baby laying here by my door? I looked around to see if someone was around and watching me, but no one was there. I didn't know what to do. I pulled the covers below the baby and touched it's face lightly with my index and middle finger. I guess fatherhood is instinctive to me?

At this point, Veronica's voice calls out from the gates. She's my ex-girlfriend. I go over and there she is. She smiles at me and I open the latch for her to come in. She hugs me and I ask her what she's doing and what a surprise this is. Then she stops when she sees the baby crib behind me. "Who's is this?" she asked. I smiled at her. She's such a joker. But her face is serious as can be. "This isn't your baby?" I ask. She shakes her head. Now we're both puzzled.

I ask her to sit with the baby as I grab my phone from in the apartment. Maybe I can check my messages to see if something came up. I go in and grab my phone. I check my inbox but nothing new. I go outside and there he is.

My former lover, Jack. I had a one time homosexual experience as a teenager and it was with Jack. We loved each other so much but those were different times. What the hell, this is awkward. "Hey, I jumped the gate. I was gonna surprise you." He said modestly. He jumps in and gives me the biggest hug. In shock, I trembly introduce Veronica and Jack. I explain that the baby showed up on my doorstep.

At this point, I'm at a complete loss. And that's when things became awesome. Giamo, my puppy from twenty years ago was waiting at the gate. I knew it was Giamo because he still had the same red necktie I put on him the day he disappeared. He looked only a few years older than the last time I saw him too.

This was the greatest day. I got a baby, a girlfriend and a boyfriend, and my puppy was back and still alive after twenty years. Then it all became amazing. "Danny?", I heard from the gates. It was my mother! She was back from the dead to tell me how much she loved me. What a wonderfully weird, but great Valentine's Day!

Getting mega stoned with best friends, then going to Applebees and choking on my sirloin steak in front of everyone.

So this happened and I can't believe I'm still here to tell you about it. My 4 best buddies and I decided to get "the most fucked up we can ever get tonight!" and then go eat at Applebees.

We smoked five or six bowls of "the pot" for 30 minutes and made it to what we affectionately call **Level 7 Platypus.** *We had mastered our destiny.* Now to Applebees for that carmelized fried-onion appetizer thing!

We barely were able to walk in, mumbled for a table for 5(after counting how many of us there really were), and were sat at a tall round table in the middle of the restaurant. All of us are under 21 so we get our soda or iced teas.

Our waitress came and explained the specials. She was really nice and probably could smell the smoke on us, but didn't seem to mind. We ordered all sorts of things. Fries, mozzarella sticks, the works. For my meal, I ordered the sirloin steak and onion rings. We're all laughing and having a good night out. Living the middle-class dream, really.

Our meals show up and we dig in. We are barely talking to each now, just scarfing food into our mouths. We notice an older woman limping in with her husband. One of the guys at the table mentions a dog we saw earlier in the day that had a wobble and we all giggle like school children at the resemblance. At this point I've cut into my steak and am cutting large chunks to chew in my mouth.

I go into my mind, deeply thinking about dogs. Everything that a dog does is amazing. They run around and enjoy life. And they barely chew anything. A bigger dog I had would just gulp down food whole. I once gave my dog an entire package of bologna and he ate it in one gulp. That was so incredible to see. Wait. How come I've never tried to be a dog? I mean, if they can do it, why can't I? So I put a giant chunk of steak in my mouth and try to swallow it whole.

I'm beside myself in accomplishment. But the damn thing won't go all the way down my throat. It's stuck. I start coughing lightly. It won't go down. This isn't right. I cough even harder. My buddies are all looking at me with smiling grins. "Oh AdidasFetish, you're always pulling pranks!" They all know my goofing off skills are legendary.

I start coughing with no breaks very quickly. I look at everyone seated around my table very anxiously. Also, my eyes are bloodshot and watery. Bloodshot because of the substance usage and watery because of the constant choking. Now everyone seated in Applebees is looking at me. No one moves, they just look on as spectators. I keep coughing, now more violently. How do these damn dogs do this?

My buddy next to me finally asks me if I'm OK. I shake my head and he, in one move, stretches his hand back and gives me a giant smack on the back. My steak comes out of my throat, and dribbles out of my mouth and onto my plate. I feel everyone in the restaurant breathe one huge sigh of relief. My table of friends are silent at what they just witnessed.

I was so embarrassed. We finished eating and left to the parking lot. It's there I told the guys that I had semi-purposefully choked myself on my sirloin steak. Because I wanted to be a dog.

Bananas - the total story

Big, yellow fruit, circular cylinders with narrow tipped ends.

Sexual fruit, but not by their design. Our design. Phallic shaped.

Monkeys eat them and so do humans. Monkeys eat way more than humans do daily.

Bananas are healthy and sweet. They are made by Dole and Chiquita.

Potassium is plenty in a banana. Most people eat one banana, but have you ever tried to eat one right after another?

Women eating bananas are considered sexy. Some men eating bananas can be too.

Bananas go good with peanut butter and a glass of milk.