Hello?
Yes. I'd like more info on writing for your site. Aw yes. NY Times? Pfft. Not funny anymore.
And to prove my point I will start
yelling out something.
USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
USA! USA! USA!
USA! USA! USA!
USA! USA! See? I knew you'd start to chant eventually. Point proven.
Self congratulatory masturbation awarded to myself.
Check and mate!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Funny dating site role reversal.
If men wrote what women write on their profiles for dating sites such as POF, OKCupid, eHarmony, and Matchmaker:
READ MY PROFILE PLZ!
I only date white girls.
Be 5 foot or shorter(just my preference cause I like my girl to wear heels and still be shorter than me)
You shuld be intellectul.
DON'T MESSAGE ME IF YOU JUST WANNA GET LAID. I'M NOT INTO THAT! GO SOMEWHERE ELSE LOSER!(I still love sex like crazy but have to write that in there just so you know I'm serious!)
No "ghetto girls" Seriously, you claiming the Westside in your late twenties Lil Kim?
I know I'm chubby. But I don't like chubby girls. Only girls that workout 6 days a week cause live a little right?
If you have a picture of your bo0bs hanging out, I might look, but totally not interested.
No baby daddy drama!
Come on girls, please don't put subject messages as "hi" or "wassap" or "ur hott". Let's be a little more original, I get 300 messages a day in my inbox, make yours standout if you want a reply. Oh yeah and I delete all messages without a photo(come on? Who doesn't have a photo these days?)!!!
I used to model for a company I can't tell you about.
Lastly, I'm definitely not attracted to black or Asian women. They are gross. Not my style which is classy. I only like white girls.
GOOD LUCK FISHING!
Interests:
white girls, motorcycles, shouting at the top of my lungs
First Date:
Its up to me to decide cause I'M THE MAN!!!
READ MY PROFILE PLZ!
I only date white girls.
Be 5 foot or shorter(just my preference cause I like my girl to wear heels and still be shorter than me)
You shuld be intellectul.
DON'T MESSAGE ME IF YOU JUST WANNA GET LAID. I'M NOT INTO THAT! GO SOMEWHERE ELSE LOSER!(I still love sex like crazy but have to write that in there just so you know I'm serious!)
No "ghetto girls" Seriously, you claiming the Westside in your late twenties Lil Kim?
I know I'm chubby. But I don't like chubby girls. Only girls that workout 6 days a week cause live a little right?
If you have a picture of your bo0bs hanging out, I might look, but totally not interested.
No baby daddy drama!
Come on girls, please don't put subject messages as "hi" or "wassap" or "ur hott". Let's be a little more original, I get 300 messages a day in my inbox, make yours standout if you want a reply. Oh yeah and I delete all messages without a photo(come on? Who doesn't have a photo these days?)!!!
I used to model for a company I can't tell you about.
Lastly, I'm definitely not attracted to black or Asian women. They are gross. Not my style which is classy. I only like white girls.
GOOD LUCK FISHING!
Interests:
white girls, motorcycles, shouting at the top of my lungs
First Date:
Its up to me to decide cause I'M THE MAN!!!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Timmy
OPEN MOUTH "Awwwwww"
Hi, I'm Timmy. People ask me why that's my name. Well for one its not. My real name is LeBron. Number two, Timmy is my nickname. I've got a big mouth.
OPEN MOUTH "AGGGGHH."
See? Stupid. Now its true I'm not a kid anymore. I'm an adult. 17 years of age now. I'm not a kid anymore, I'M A MAN. No longer 5 years old. The point is shutup about it OK?
SPIT
I ask my friends if they want to hang out ALL THE TIME. They are boring. I'm sure you're asking if they ever hang out with me. Well they have not. I guess they really aren't my friends after all. Jerks. Making a grown man like me cry.
CRY.
I have a sister. She's annoying. This is my impression of her: "Oh my gah, blahahahahhahahahaha, I'm so ugly without makeup, blah blah, I'll tell on you, blah, I'm secretly a unicorn baby love child"
LAUGH
I like video games and I like girls. Girls all want to be with me. I think its cause I'm so good looking. I'm like an appetizer. Of course I'll make you overweight and codependent but you just can't help but have another taste. OK, OK, girls don't want to be with me. They actually call me names. I'm sure you've heard Dummy, Stupid, Adopted, Poor, Alone Forever, Probably a Homosexual. That's what I get called by girls. So I play a lot of video games. I go to school with a bunch of mean girls is what I'm getting at.
Speaking of school. I do alright. My favorite class is Drama cause I get to pretend. Originally I wanted to be a baseball player or James Bond or the President when I got old, but now that I'm a man, I realize I really can be any of those in a movie. I just want to be an actor.
START MONOLOGUE ON STAGE:
Hi, I'm Timmy. People ask me why that's my name. Well for one its not. My real name is LeBron. Number two, Timmy is my nickname. I've got a big mouth.
OPEN MOUTH "AGGGGHH."
See? Stupid. Now its true I'm not a kid anymore. I'm an adult. 17 years of age now. I'm not a kid anymore, I'M A MAN. No longer 5 years old. The point is shutup about it OK?
SPIT
I ask my friends if they want to hang out ALL THE TIME. They are boring. I'm sure you're asking if they ever hang out with me. Well they have not. I guess they really aren't my friends after all. Jerks. Making a grown man like me cry.
CRY.
I have a sister. She's annoying. This is my impression of her: "Oh my gah, blahahahahhahahahaha, I'm so ugly without makeup, blah blah, I'll tell on you, blah, I'm secretly a unicorn baby love child"
LAUGH
I like video games and I like girls. Girls all want to be with me. I think its cause I'm so good looking. I'm like an appetizer. Of course I'll make you overweight and codependent but you just can't help but have another taste. OK, OK, girls don't want to be with me. They actually call me names. I'm sure you've heard Dummy, Stupid, Adopted, Poor, Alone Forever, Probably a Homosexual. That's what I get called by girls. So I play a lot of video games. I go to school with a bunch of mean girls is what I'm getting at.
Speaking of school. I do alright. My favorite class is Drama cause I get to pretend. Originally I wanted to be a baseball player or James Bond or the President when I got old, but now that I'm a man, I realize I really can be any of those in a movie. I just want to be an actor.
START MONOLOGUE ON STAGE:
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Innocence killed
I had a dream that woke me up so violently I gasped for air waking up.
It was a dream about me, my mother, my father, and my sister. They were all in it. And all played crucial roles of good vs. evil.
It's a family story. Then it got dark. I was alone at home. For some reason, the home was not what it was before. It was actually my dad's old apartment. After the divorce. And for some reason, my mother was still alive. And married to my father. I didn't like this at all.
I had just gotten home after a long time away. Nobody was home, but I had a key. Some kind of welcome back.
I noticed my pet beta fish was missing. And I went berserk looking for him. At this time, my mother and my sister came home, while I was looking all over the small apartment for my beta fish which I should mention I'm notorious for keeping alive and well in real life.
My mother explains that when my father took over he changed everything. I yell out that I'm going to get him for ruining what I'd taken so long to take care of and grow.
I yell for someone to get him on the phone. I yell "what is his number?". My sister sitting on the couch grabs out a blacked out Lotus cell phone and dials. It's not his normal number I realize by the tones. He's changed it.
I get on the phone when I hear a voice. It's not him. It's a pawn of his. Some guy, a nobody, a foot soldier. I'm talking things over and it turns out the pawn has been screwed with too. He says my father is simmering something. I'm assuming because my father is a cook at a restaurant somewhere.
The pawn puts on a fake sounding smile over the phone and transfers me over when he knows I won't put up with his bullshit.
Someone else picks up. It's a woman. Probably around my father's age. Maybe a year younger. She tells me that my father is busy. I yell for her to get him on the phone right now.
At this time, I, myself get lucky and find my beta fish, who is now barely alive. And to my amazement, they are all there. All of the fish I've had as pets growing up and into adulthood. And they've been having babies. Like kidnapped P.O.W.'s in a camp. But instead of a camp, it is a glass aquarium P.O.W. camp.
I scream that I'm going to kill him at the top of my lungs. My sister notices an all black mosquito on me. I swat it away. Then I see it on my wrist. It dives and disappears inside my skin. I see the lump in my skin as it comes up my right arm and I'm not sure if I should break whatever it is inside my body with a smack of my hand. I say, "what the hell", I go for it.
I smack at it as it goes to my biceps. It is not dying. It is robotic I realize. A spy. A spy fly. Its going to kill me if I don't act right now. I keep swatting at it.
I wake up short on breath.
It was a dream about me, my mother, my father, and my sister. They were all in it. And all played crucial roles of good vs. evil.
It's a family story. Then it got dark. I was alone at home. For some reason, the home was not what it was before. It was actually my dad's old apartment. After the divorce. And for some reason, my mother was still alive. And married to my father. I didn't like this at all.
I had just gotten home after a long time away. Nobody was home, but I had a key. Some kind of welcome back.
I noticed my pet beta fish was missing. And I went berserk looking for him. At this time, my mother and my sister came home, while I was looking all over the small apartment for my beta fish which I should mention I'm notorious for keeping alive and well in real life.
My mother explains that when my father took over he changed everything. I yell out that I'm going to get him for ruining what I'd taken so long to take care of and grow.
I yell for someone to get him on the phone. I yell "what is his number?". My sister sitting on the couch grabs out a blacked out Lotus cell phone and dials. It's not his normal number I realize by the tones. He's changed it.
I get on the phone when I hear a voice. It's not him. It's a pawn of his. Some guy, a nobody, a foot soldier. I'm talking things over and it turns out the pawn has been screwed with too. He says my father is simmering something. I'm assuming because my father is a cook at a restaurant somewhere.
The pawn puts on a fake sounding smile over the phone and transfers me over when he knows I won't put up with his bullshit.
Someone else picks up. It's a woman. Probably around my father's age. Maybe a year younger. She tells me that my father is busy. I yell for her to get him on the phone right now.
At this time, I, myself get lucky and find my beta fish, who is now barely alive. And to my amazement, they are all there. All of the fish I've had as pets growing up and into adulthood. And they've been having babies. Like kidnapped P.O.W.'s in a camp. But instead of a camp, it is a glass aquarium P.O.W. camp.
I scream that I'm going to kill him at the top of my lungs. My sister notices an all black mosquito on me. I swat it away. Then I see it on my wrist. It dives and disappears inside my skin. I see the lump in my skin as it comes up my right arm and I'm not sure if I should break whatever it is inside my body with a smack of my hand. I say, "what the hell", I go for it.
I smack at it as it goes to my biceps. It is not dying. It is robotic I realize. A spy. A spy fly. Its going to kill me if I don't act right now. I keep swatting at it.
I wake up short on breath.
Friday, August 26, 2011
What I know about riding motorcycles
Writing stuff down for a potential video project for the company I work for. What is motorcycling to me?
Its about being free. Being rebellious. Having a bit of style. Having a hot woman want to be on me and my bike.
Knowing that there are ways to die and ways to live.
Taking some risk is necessary.
Its about being free. Being rebellious. Having a bit of style. Having a hot woman want to be on me and my bike.
Knowing that there are ways to die and ways to live.
Taking some risk is necessary.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
BJH
Johnny and brothers get ready. Wearing suits like they are going out to the club. They are younger. Dance music starts. It is a club. They take a seat. One goes to get the drinks. They all sit there and have a drink. Girls come over. They get swoo'ed(sp) by one of the brothers. Then with a snap of the fingers, they are gone.
They walk right up to another set of older guys though. They are brought in with smiles. They switch bags. (the bags have money and passports, another story) They all nod goodbye. But Johnny doesn't move. He grabs a shot of tequila and downs it. Liquid courage. Then he pulls out a gun and shoots a guy. The rest of the brothers shoot the other older guys. The music has stopped. The bag is left. The boys are gone.
Setup right there.
meat of the story now:
They walk right up to another set of older guys though. They are brought in with smiles. They switch bags. (the bags have money and passports, another story) They all nod goodbye. But Johnny doesn't move. He grabs a shot of tequila and downs it. Liquid courage. Then he pulls out a gun and shoots a guy. The rest of the brothers shoot the other older guys. The music has stopped. The bag is left. The boys are gone.
Setup right there.
meat of the story now:
Monday, July 18, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Rape
A movie about rape seems like a challenge. Notably because the beautiful women in my life have some horror story about it.
I tend to think about my rats Itchy and Scratchy. I used to watch them in their glass cage. I forget who was the male and who was the female, but lets just say Itchy was male and Scratchy was female. I had Scratchy first and decided she needed a mate. I was 14 or so about that time. So I went and bought a male rat. I dumped him in the cage and Itchy was pretty scared for a bit. Then they kind of smelled each other and I thought it was all good. No, they fought for a few moments and then moved to other parts of the cage like boxers during a rest period. So I would lose interest and go watch cartoons or whatever and go check up on them every once in a while. After a bit I saw Itchy fighting with Scratchy and overpower her. He would be on top of her. My 14 year old mind was thinking this wasn't quite right, but maybe that is how they designate who is the alpha. I remember thinking that I didn't like Itchy doing that to her against her will. Scratchy would fight on her back scratching away and trying to get loose. But eventually she would give in and Itchy would do whatever he wanted with her.
This wasn't my idealized version of rape but its all I knew. This was the realm of nature as far as I was concerned. I still didn't feel right about it but I accepted it. I figured they would learn to love each other and it would end. After a few days, they were still fighting and Itchy overpowering Scratchy. I couldn't take seeing Scratchy getting hurt so I took Itchy out one night and put him in a neighbor I didn't like's mailbox.
If a woman isn't interested, I'm no longer interested. Maybe its because I'm so used to women going after me and me not being interested in them because I can have what I want.
Writing this might help. I'm thinking its because I know I'm very much wanted because I'm a good looking, talented Persian man. Anyway, the conceited me needs to shut the fuck up. Back to the rape story idea.
A few of the girls I have dated have brought up being raped as a young girl in casual conversation. Which makes me think that generally these girls were the Itchy in my previous story. They didn't know what they wanted. They were afraid/curious about sex. But the Scratchy character pushed and pushed until he got his way. Is that nature? Is that in our natural order? Why did these girls so easily talk about their past rape I wonder. I think rape is easily thrown out there without taking curiousity, young love, etc into mind.
My story idea about rape would just be not showing the rape. Not showing her account, flashback like we always see. It would have to be the moments right after. She calls, has a friend take her home, she doesn't say anything. Her husband/bf sees her and consoles her. Their relationship is strained. If my longtime gf/wife got raped, it would be traumatic and I'd want to go after her rapist and beat the crap out of him if not make him go to prison where he could be raped by a dude.. What if it were two guys? That would be more dramatic. Oooh what would be really cool would be if she goes after him/them for revenge. It has to be an eye for an eye. Castration or something.
A rape comedy? I'm sure that would not go well with audiences. But if Daniel Tosh can joke about it... Rape: The comedy. hah.
I'm remembering a time when I was tired and my gf wouldn't leave me alone until I had sex with her. Would that be rape? I guess that would be my story of rape anyway.
I really don't know, how do writers get inspiration for writing about a subject they are interested to do but have a small personal knowledge about?
I need to think about this a long time. Cause I really don't know too much here and its definitely a story that needs to be told and told well.
I tend to think about my rats Itchy and Scratchy. I used to watch them in their glass cage. I forget who was the male and who was the female, but lets just say Itchy was male and Scratchy was female. I had Scratchy first and decided she needed a mate. I was 14 or so about that time. So I went and bought a male rat. I dumped him in the cage and Itchy was pretty scared for a bit. Then they kind of smelled each other and I thought it was all good. No, they fought for a few moments and then moved to other parts of the cage like boxers during a rest period. So I would lose interest and go watch cartoons or whatever and go check up on them every once in a while. After a bit I saw Itchy fighting with Scratchy and overpower her. He would be on top of her. My 14 year old mind was thinking this wasn't quite right, but maybe that is how they designate who is the alpha. I remember thinking that I didn't like Itchy doing that to her against her will. Scratchy would fight on her back scratching away and trying to get loose. But eventually she would give in and Itchy would do whatever he wanted with her.
This wasn't my idealized version of rape but its all I knew. This was the realm of nature as far as I was concerned. I still didn't feel right about it but I accepted it. I figured they would learn to love each other and it would end. After a few days, they were still fighting and Itchy overpowering Scratchy. I couldn't take seeing Scratchy getting hurt so I took Itchy out one night and put him in a neighbor I didn't like's mailbox.
If a woman isn't interested, I'm no longer interested. Maybe its because I'm so used to women going after me and me not being interested in them because I can have what I want.
Writing this might help. I'm thinking its because I know I'm very much wanted because I'm a good looking, talented Persian man. Anyway, the conceited me needs to shut the fuck up. Back to the rape story idea.
A few of the girls I have dated have brought up being raped as a young girl in casual conversation. Which makes me think that generally these girls were the Itchy in my previous story. They didn't know what they wanted. They were afraid/curious about sex. But the Scratchy character pushed and pushed until he got his way. Is that nature? Is that in our natural order? Why did these girls so easily talk about their past rape I wonder. I think rape is easily thrown out there without taking curiousity, young love, etc into mind.
My story idea about rape would just be not showing the rape. Not showing her account, flashback like we always see. It would have to be the moments right after. She calls, has a friend take her home, she doesn't say anything. Her husband/bf sees her and consoles her. Their relationship is strained. If my longtime gf/wife got raped, it would be traumatic and I'd want to go after her rapist and beat the crap out of him if not make him go to prison where he could be raped by a dude.. What if it were two guys? That would be more dramatic. Oooh what would be really cool would be if she goes after him/them for revenge. It has to be an eye for an eye. Castration or something.
A rape comedy? I'm sure that would not go well with audiences. But if Daniel Tosh can joke about it... Rape: The comedy. hah.
I'm remembering a time when I was tired and my gf wouldn't leave me alone until I had sex with her. Would that be rape? I guess that would be my story of rape anyway.
I really don't know, how do writers get inspiration for writing about a subject they are interested to do but have a small personal knowledge about?
I need to think about this a long time. Cause I really don't know too much here and its definitely a story that needs to be told and told well.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
My dream actors for Bring Johnny Home
For an ensemble cast I would have these actors in my story.
Maria- female, 30's, good looking trophy wife of Jefe. EVA LONGORIA
Jefe- male, late 30's, the oldest brother. A suit wearing fat-cat. Feared and respected mafioso boss. JAVIER BARDEM.
Johnny- male, late 20's, casual suit wearing, good looking and charming anti-hero. GAEL GARCIA BERNARD.
Tony- male, late 30's, casual suit wearing, goes with the flow attitude, very likable, middle brother. ETHAN HAWKE
Roberto- male, late 30's. 2nd in command. The leader of the team. Always wears sunglasses. A badass. Quiet and to the point. Jefe's advisor. UNKNOWN ACTOR
Carlos- male, late 20's. Obnoxious even in his casual suit. He's the wild one, but also the most logical when needed. He is the closest to Johnny because they are the youngest brothers. DIEGO LUNA
Border Patrolman- male, late 30's. He's a mean tough guy. He's by the book, but everyone has his price. GIOVANNI RIBISI
Gas Attendant- male, mid 20's. Slack jawed yokel, but he's not as dumb as he looks. BEN FOSTER
Hotel Clerk- male, late 30's. Almost obvious homosexual, but still very professional. SETH GREEN
Bartender- male, 50's. Older with grey hairs but still very sexy. Full of wisdom and wit. Knows how to read people. HUGH LAURIE
Mexican Goddess- female, 20's. Seductive but deadly, she sparks with sexuality. Very easy to approach, but conniving. MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
Maria- female, 30's, good looking trophy wife of Jefe. EVA LONGORIA
Jefe- male, late 30's, the oldest brother. A suit wearing fat-cat. Feared and respected mafioso boss. JAVIER BARDEM.
Johnny- male, late 20's, casual suit wearing, good looking and charming anti-hero. GAEL GARCIA BERNARD.
Tony- male, late 30's, casual suit wearing, goes with the flow attitude, very likable, middle brother. ETHAN HAWKE
Roberto- male, late 30's. 2nd in command. The leader of the team. Always wears sunglasses. A badass. Quiet and to the point. Jefe's advisor. UNKNOWN ACTOR
Carlos- male, late 20's. Obnoxious even in his casual suit. He's the wild one, but also the most logical when needed. He is the closest to Johnny because they are the youngest brothers. DIEGO LUNA
Border Patrolman- male, late 30's. He's a mean tough guy. He's by the book, but everyone has his price. GIOVANNI RIBISI
Gas Attendant- male, mid 20's. Slack jawed yokel, but he's not as dumb as he looks. BEN FOSTER
Hotel Clerk- male, late 30's. Almost obvious homosexual, but still very professional. SETH GREEN
Bartender- male, 50's. Older with grey hairs but still very sexy. Full of wisdom and wit. Knows how to read people. HUGH LAURIE
Mexican Goddess- female, 20's. Seductive but deadly, she sparks with sexuality. Very easy to approach, but conniving. MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
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