If by chance we hadn't met at the library, I never would have made that connection.

If by chance this hadn't happened at the library, I never would have lost my virginity.

I met her one more time, and it was only one more time, but it changed my life - forever.

Most weekends I'll make my way the local Studio City library to rent one physical book. Most books are ebooks these days and I use my Kindle all the time, but having an actual book in my hand reminds me of my youth.

When I was a child, maybe 5 or 6 years old, I went to the library with my mother and sister. I was big into science-fiction. I'm not sure what they were into, but I was always in my own world anyway. This was before we had made contact with extraterrestrials. I always noticed a girl who was about my age and also in the science-fiction section. We made eye contact but I was too shy to say hello. Heck, I don't know if I really ever talked to anyone. What I did notice was her eyes were rather large. Like one of those anime dolls. Maybe that was my fascination with her. So this went on for what I can only assume was a year because I don't have a good recollection of time as a child. Everything kind of blurs together of all my memories of back then. For those of you that know I'm 180 years old next month. Since the adoption of brain storage nanobytes in the 21st century, I've been able to collect way more memories than I'd ever thought. Details such as the feeling of the carpet I'd walked on in my mid 60s, when I theoretically should've died of natural causes. 

So here I am at the library today. Humans no longer look like the humans I categorized myself as in the 20th and early 21st century. Most of my body is cybernetic and I spend a portion of my day in the virtual world researching. See, the only thing that was lost, much like when a hard drive crashes, are fragments of data that was unsavable in between the data backups. And I lost a day. I've probably lost a month's or two worth of day's memories in my lifetime. Sure, the technology is better and they lose less but they still lose it.

The day I lost was the day I saw the same girl in the library but now she was a grown woman and still beautiful. I recognized her by her eyes. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, and I just thought that was something romantic people said before making out. But I saw into her eyes that day in the library of the future - the library of today.. and I knew it was her. 

How do I know this? Like I said - fragments are still there in memory. I remember seeing her. I remember walking up to her. I remember saying hello. And that's all I have. 

I don't know what I said, and I don't know if we set a coffee date, or if I scared her off and never heard from her again. I come back every weekend to hold the last of the paper books, relics really. But they remind me of who I used to be. 

Some kid. Some kid with hopes and dreams of a better future. Not knowing that I'd be part of that future. A future where I now research and work with scientists all day working to fix corrupted or lost data that might be just as important... because to me it's all important. Nothing means more.

I did meet her once again, but never again since. And I'll keep searching for the missing data in my research, because I need to know what happened. Was it awkward social interaction between us? Was that day her last day on Earth and she moved to Mars or even out of the galaxy? I hope not. Was it lost love? Friendship? Soulmates? I may never know. 

What a weird, great Valentine's Day!

I got back to my apartment and there was a single mylar balloon tied to my doorknob. I was so dumbstruck because I didn't even have a girlfriend.

So I went inside my apartment with the balloon and put it right next to the door. At that point I heard a baby crying outside. This was weird because I live in a gated area and none of my neighbors have kids. I opened the door and there was a baby in a crib right by my front door! This baby was maybe a year old. Why was a baby laying here by my door? I looked around to see if someone was around and watching me, but no one was there. I didn't know what to do. I pulled the covers below the baby and touched it's face lightly with my index and middle finger. I guess fatherhood is instinctive to me?

At this point, Veronica's voice calls out from the gates. She's my ex-girlfriend. I go over and there she is. She smiles at me and I open the latch for her to come in. She hugs me and I ask her what she's doing and what a surprise this is. Then she stops when she sees the baby crib behind me. "Who's is this?" she asked. I smiled at her. She's such a joker. But her face is serious as can be. "This isn't your baby?" I ask. She shakes her head. Now we're both puzzled.

I ask her to sit with the baby as I grab my phone from in the apartment. Maybe I can check my messages to see if something came up. I go in and grab my phone. I check my inbox but nothing new. I go outside and there he is.

My former lover, Jack. I had a one time homosexual experience as a teenager and it was with Jack. We loved each other so much but those were different times. What the hell, this is awkward. "Hey, I jumped the gate. I was gonna surprise you." He said modestly. He jumps in and gives me the biggest hug. In shock, I trembly introduce Veronica and Jack. I explain that the baby showed up on my doorstep.

At this point, I'm at a complete loss. And that's when things became awesome. Giamo, my puppy from twenty years ago was waiting at the gate. I knew it was Giamo because he still had the same red necktie I put on him the day he disappeared. He looked only a few years older than the last time I saw him too.

This was the greatest day. I got a baby, a girlfriend and a boyfriend, and my puppy was back and still alive after twenty years. Then it all became amazing. "Danny?", I heard from the gates. It was my mother! She was back from the dead to tell me how much she loved me. What a wonderfully weird, but great Valentine's Day!

Getting mega stoned with best friends, then going to Applebees and choking on my sirloin steak in front of everyone.

So this happened and I can't believe I'm still here to tell you about it. My 4 best buddies and I decided to get "the most fucked up we can ever get tonight!" and then go eat at Applebees.

We smoked five or six bowls of "the pot" for 30 minutes and made it to what we affectionately call **Level 7 Platypus.** *We had mastered our destiny.* Now to Applebees for that carmelized fried-onion appetizer thing!

We barely were able to walk in, mumbled for a table for 5(after counting how many of us there really were), and were sat at a tall round table in the middle of the restaurant. All of us are under 21 so we get our soda or iced teas.

Our waitress came and explained the specials. She was really nice and probably could smell the smoke on us, but didn't seem to mind. We ordered all sorts of things. Fries, mozzarella sticks, the works. For my meal, I ordered the sirloin steak and onion rings. We're all laughing and having a good night out. Living the middle-class dream, really.

Our meals show up and we dig in. We are barely talking to each now, just scarfing food into our mouths. We notice an older woman limping in with her husband. One of the guys at the table mentions a dog we saw earlier in the day that had a wobble and we all giggle like school children at the resemblance. At this point I've cut into my steak and am cutting large chunks to chew in my mouth.

I go into my mind, deeply thinking about dogs. Everything that a dog does is amazing. They run around and enjoy life. And they barely chew anything. A bigger dog I had would just gulp down food whole. I once gave my dog an entire package of bologna and he ate it in one gulp. That was so incredible to see. Wait. How come I've never tried to be a dog? I mean, if they can do it, why can't I? So I put a giant chunk of steak in my mouth and try to swallow it whole.

I'm beside myself in accomplishment. But the damn thing won't go all the way down my throat. It's stuck. I start coughing lightly. It won't go down. This isn't right. I cough even harder. My buddies are all looking at me with smiling grins. "Oh AdidasFetish, you're always pulling pranks!" They all know my goofing off skills are legendary.

I start coughing with no breaks very quickly. I look at everyone seated around my table very anxiously. Also, my eyes are bloodshot and watery. Bloodshot because of the substance usage and watery because of the constant choking. Now everyone seated in Applebees is looking at me. No one moves, they just look on as spectators. I keep coughing, now more violently. How do these damn dogs do this?

My buddy next to me finally asks me if I'm OK. I shake my head and he, in one move, stretches his hand back and gives me a giant smack on the back. My steak comes out of my throat, and dribbles out of my mouth and onto my plate. I feel everyone in the restaurant breathe one huge sigh of relief. My table of friends are silent at what they just witnessed.

I was so embarrassed. We finished eating and left to the parking lot. It's there I told the guys that I had semi-purposefully choked myself on my sirloin steak. Because I wanted to be a dog.

Bananas - the total story

Big, yellow fruit, circular cylinders with narrow tipped ends.

Sexual fruit, but not by their design. Our design. Phallic shaped.

Monkeys eat them and so do humans. Monkeys eat way more than humans do daily.

Bananas are healthy and sweet. They are made by Dole and Chiquita.

Potassium is plenty in a banana. Most people eat one banana, but have you ever tried to eat one right after another?

Women eating bananas are considered sexy. Some men eating bananas can be too.

Bananas go good with peanut butter and a glass of milk.

Movie theme ideas etc

• Cheaters can always win, even when they watch others like them fall.
• Sometimes, the bad guy wins, and it'll take an army against them to fail.
• Sometimes, the hero doesn't change, just like many of the people that grow up in real life.
• Love doesn't always win, especially when all the woman wants is for her own needs. Some do marry for money and social status.
• It's not always the ending, sometimes it's the journey.
• The most important person can be 2nd in command.
• The minority is the minority for a reason.
• Some people do all the work and get very little to no credit for it.
• It can rain without the sun showing up.

The best gift ever - A Valentine's Day story

Valentine's Day was always disheartening as a man. I started asking my girlfriend, Amy, what she wanted to do for our special day. She gave a few vague descriptions, mostly, dinner and some chocolates. Not exactly thrilling to hear. Now I wanted to do something exciting for her. So I worked a side gig I found on Craiglist doing some of the hardest manual labor - moving boxes of heavy clothing for an auction company for eight hours. I was bruised, and sore all over that night butI knew it would be worth it for my babe.

Days passed with little happening.

On February 12th, I was at home in my apartment when Amy comes over. She is acting really strange now. A little spooked out. I ask her what's wrong and she lays it down. She has decided to break up with me. After much arguing and begging from me, and tears coming from both of us, she leaves with a bag of her stuff in hand. I was heart-broken and in hell. That night I decided I was going to win her back in the most romantic way possible on Valentines Day.

February 13th, I found a one night gig on Craigslist as a cleaning lady - the ad asked for a lady but I persuaded them to take me in. I was paid and now had an arm full of cash and a plan.

I called Amy that night but she wasn't responding much. In fact, she was quite short with me. No matter because I had to have her back. I told her that I was going to stop by the next day and give her some clothes she left behind at the apartment. She tried to object but I quickly hung up to get ready for bed. My big chance was right around the corner.

I woke up around 9am on Valentines Day as I had taken the day off to spend this time with my love. I went by her apartment around noon. I made my way up the stairs and knocked her door. Her roommate answered and told it to me bluntly. Amy had found someone new and had been out with him since the night before. Again, my life shattered hopelessly. Why didn't I see it coming?

As I began my desolate drive back home, I noticed a new Guitar Center had opened up in one of those shopping strips. I pulled in and decided to check it out. I went in and looked around, and there she was!

A Les Paul Jr. with a black body and green sunburst! I went to the guitar, picked it up and strummed it a few times. It had amazing weight, and it was gorgeous. I went right to the cashier and paid with the cash I had saved for Amy's surprise.

I forgot about Amy as I went home and plugged my new guitar into my amplifier. I played as loud as I could for hours that day. That was the best gift I ever got myself on Valentine's Day.

Soft spoken and gentle

She was soft spoken and gentle.
The sweetest girl in the whole world.

She was a waitress at the time

I could see as she was truly holding an interest in her customers. An interest she would hold in a man that loved her.

Her small smile would only make me smile to myself. That small frame of hers held the world at arms length away when her eyes locked on yours as she would speak to you, asking your order.

Soft spoken which means that she would be hurt the most if only you hurt her a little.

This was a woman that you needed to give full attention to to give her what she truly deserved.

The Fugitive With the Stolen Dildo

My First Pornographic Movie

At the age of 14 I had never seen a hardcore porno, only seeing soft-core stuff on TV, and admitted this to my friends one afternoon.

This set a plan in action. I was told about The Fugitive With The Stolen Dildo and we made a journey to Justin's parents house, where the sacred video was being held. The VHS tape box was for The Fugitive, starring Harrison Ford, but someone had secretly named it The Fugitive with the Stolen Dildo, because, well...it was a hardcore porn tape dubbed over The Fugitive.

Justin, Vince, and I immediately made our way walking two miles from David's parents house, smoking pot somewhere along the way, to getting to Justin's parents house. Oddly enough, all our parents were usually gone to work during the daytime. While walking there, I was told how great it was and how my life would be forever changed.

When we got to Justin's place, Justin decided, in all for hilarity, to make a big deal out of this for me. He sat Vince and me sat on the floor in front of the TV and put on mood music. Nothing is better than watching a hardcore porno with Michael Jackson's "Beat It" playing beforehand at insane decibels.

After the music presentation was done, and Justin felt he had tortured us enough, he presented the VHS tape as if it were the Holy Grail and put it in the VCR. The first scene started with a nice enough lady with black curly hair and some dude in an alley. Within a minute, she was blowing him viciously which led to him going at her from behind and of course, ending with a money-shot.  The entire duration of the video, Vince and I look over at each other on giving a "THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING THING ON THE PLANET" kind of head nodding.

Somewhere around the end of the video playing, Vince and I look back to see Justin sitting back behind us on his bed, his pants down. He pulls his pants back up, saying, "Ahhhhhh. That felt good". Did he just beat off with us in the room? I went from awe of seeing vaginas being beaten to a pulp by raging cocks on video to being then utterly grossed out to think my best friend has just jerked off a mere 4 feet behind me while I was as high as can be.

I decided I wanted to see the video again, but it was time to go as Justin's parents were coming home from work soon. I begged to borrow the tape for a night. I think I got it after begging for so long. I kept it over a very tiring week. Then I had to give it to someone else in the group. That tape went around and around our circle of friends and somebody outside our circle got a hold of it and it was never recovered, though I have a suspicion David got a hold of it and kept it all to himself.

Music Videos

• Lots of black and violet-blue scheme for hard rock band. Dark with phantom lighting and streaks of spotlight lamps.
• Something filmed on the Metro Train/Bus, handheld, dance, dancers with boomboxes.
• Electronica group: 

Sexy fully dressed girl in black drives her car. Parks in an open area. Rips off black apparel showing off sexy outfit. Dancing. 

Men show up trying to dance with her. She "out-dances" them and waves them off.

Another girl in all black drives up and parks from the first girl's POV. The new girl rips off her black apparel and parrallels the first girl's clothing but in complete contrast.

Dance-off!

Closer, closer. Soft kiss.

Up the Mountain

Up the Mountain trailer.

Man walks up mountain.

A flash at dusk(magic hour)

Poster is Van Gogh-esque. (Dawood)

X-files. Mulder alien light beam shining down.


##
 The story isn't about the aliens. It's about him learning what is important in his life. His buddies, his work, his family.

He takes his son fishing. The son asks about what he saw on the mountain. He lies for the greater good.

Sci-fi, adventure, mystery.

No mom. She's out of the picture.
A man and his son.
He's not the smartest but he's a good provider.
Carpenter, like Jesus.

Starts out with them eating at dinner table. Talking about school.
Father puts away dishes, looks outside. Sees the flash streak.

Actor on a Ledge

A mid-career actor gets some bad news over the phone.
He decides it's time to commit suicide. He gets on the ledge of a building.

As he is waiting a crowd gathers.
His PR lady gets a phone call telling how popular this is getting. A news team arrives. She does a U-turn on the road and makes her way to where he is about to jump.

She makes her way up to him. She tells him it's so cliche. She has an idea. Why doesn't he jump off the Hollywood sign?

So they come up with the PR Ideas that get him new acting jobs because he's now considered dangerous. So they keep putting off the suicide.

A few of the ideas don't work and get him in a hospital.

He ends up doing something awesome like jumping out of a flying plane.
Ends in free-fall.

POF

A woman creates and online profile.
Her friend and her create one at the same time to try the online dating world.
They talk about being safe and the losers that are on there.
They find out decent guys are on there and a bunch of losers.
The woman meets a man after only talking a little bit. Not her type but it went OK so she tries again.
The woman meets another man, he's a nice guy at first. He then refuses to let her leave.

He ties her up. He rapes her.
She gets away but he is gone. His profile is gone. He then starts a new profile, this time with a different look and he tries again to meet his match.

Wrestling

This may not be a popular choice but when I guess what I wanna do I want to help create stories for wrestling it is still 1 of the great american art forms would like to poke poke in on for the giant stone cold steve austin john sena cm punk vince mcmahon

A Heist gone wrong

A heist at an office with 5 people. One of them happens to be a COP who was in the bathroom reading a magazine.

It's up to him to save the day.

One of the criminals turns out to be his younger brother.

Ugly

Ugly. A story about being ugly. The ending is that the person is still the same but loved a little more by the audience. Loved but still ugly.

Elephant Man comes to mind, but add not so much disfigurement. Somebody that is completely ugly inside and out. The only thing that really changes is our perception of his ugliness.

Plus women like ugliness.

Terrorists that take down

Terrorists take down Hollywood. The one big thing that separates us from the rest of the world is we are mainstream entertainment for the Western world. I've even heard that those "Eastern" countries import(illegally) mainstream Hollywood films.

Now take away Hollywood from us and we are really scared.

The Simpsons movie

Live action.

Homers Comp
Intro:
Bart's blackboard: I will NOT make a movie.
(over and over)


Family runs to couch only to find the cartoon Simpsons already sitting there, they look at each other for a minute
then run off yelling!

Scene 1: Homer at the couch
Homer(thinking) Ahhhh I wish I had a beer...Mmm beer!
Goes to fridge:  There's no beer.
Homer: SCREAMS!
wakes up:
Homer: Whew it was just a dream! No beer, ::laughs::
Goes to fridge:  There's no beer.
Homer: SCREAMS!
Homer: Not again!
wakes up in hospital:
Marge: Oh Homey! I'm so glad your'e ok, you've been in a coma for a week!
Bart and Lisa: You made it Homer!
Bart: oh Father I am so glad you are back safe with us...
Homer: What is it this time boy?
Bart: I failed detention.
Homer: why you little....!

Polette (French film)

A woman. she is reading. She is sitting down on a recliner.
She peeks out the window. She sees kids playing. She wishes she was out there, she sighs
She puts her book down. She gets up. Walks to the telephone.

She picks up the telephone. She dials the number.
She gets somebody. She is happy to talk to someone. she shakes her head up and down
while talking. she smiles alot. abruptly, her smile fades. she says goodbye on the phone.


She opens the door. She cautiously walks through. The door closes.
The door shuts. She is seen on the other side. She itches her eyes.
It is too bright. She goes out a little farther, a little afraid.
She goes out farther, not so afraid.
A bee lands on her clothing. She is scared, she runs in circles. She
freaks out.
girl opens door
girl looks outside
girl cautiously walks outside
she sees it is nice outside
she smiles warmly.
bird shit falls on her.
she frowns
the day turns to night
she is still frowning.

Mother Love

Art House

a boy meets someone that shows him what the whole nother world,
while the whole time he is not paying attention to the other
things that are going on in the real world.  soon he realizes
 that everything around him is ...changing, and he is changing
...into somebody else.

Teenage Reservoir Dogs

Mob Children

4 teens that run the streets, dressed up nice, cause now they can afford to.  4 badasses.

A classroom setting with one of them in it, then another one tapping at the window....

Whats up?
hey, we got a problem with xxx
what kind of problem?
she's not showing up anymore, we think she's using now.
damn.
well its not your fault xxx. some people just aren't made for this business.
I'll take care of her dammit, after lunch, i'll find out if she's at home. I'll make sure she doesn't come back. 

Characters:

Older Detective type-male older 20's

grown up gangster(dad) Porky

male teen gangster
male teen gangster Porky
male teen gangster
male teen ganster

gangster teen girlfriend Lana
gangster teen girlfriend

cop
cop

EXTRAS

credits at beginning will be typed up and the camera on the computer screen, hopefully i'll find a way for the desktop to change colors or something so its not too boring.


Teenage Resevoir Dogs, 4 teens that run the streets, dressed up nice, cause now they can afford to.  4 badasses.

A classroom setting with one of them in it, then another one tapping at the window....
-Do you not have any respect for the Dead?
-Who you calling a hipocrite, hipocrite?

Double headed snake

My girlfriend and I. I'm looking into the mirror at myself, i have 2 eyelashes stuck in my
eyes.  I pull the first one out. the second one is a double headed black snake that i have
to pull out really hard. then i grab the snake by both heads so it won't keep biting me.

Smell touch taste

Movies are wonderful for the eyes and ears, but you can't smell, touch, or taste a movie. One of my next projects is to try to gain that perception.

Untitled Comedy Project

Rich Pryor and Gene Wilder style comedy.
2 fun loving guys. 1 kid they have to watch over because their friend is in jail being framed. A little bit of racism cause racism is funny. Danny goes to Al’s BBQ and starts acting black. It’s all cool and funny til he steps out of line. Someone picks him up and throws him onto the table full of food. Al tries to keep his cousin cool but Dan says he can handle it. Al’s cousin knocks Dan out in the face. This time Al steps in to stop the fight and AL gets punched. A huge fight starts. Al and Dan crawl out of fury and run away. Al and Dan walk home and Al confronts Dan saying Dan is always getting him into trouble. Al is the straight man. His always trying to be cool. Until the end when he goes ballistic, showing Dan the error of his own ways.

Selling point: Dan is always getting his friend Al into trouble.

Prologue to The Godfather of Los Angeles

It was a cold summer night and I was in a bad part of town. The part that only the tough or crazy show up at. And I was stuck there, making the mistake of being being neither the aforementioned tough or crazy. It was only midnight. I might get lucky and be able to make it home without incident. "You have courage to be here", said someone behind me, either drunk or stoned or both. I turned around to face my destiny. I have my lucky .38 caliber pistol for just this kind of circumstances. I put my hand in my pocket, feeling the gun..my friend, my savior. I turn around and face my destiny.

T, M.

T -

Growing up with her, she always said that if she ever got married, it would be someone she'd want them to be like me cause I'm the perfect man. There was always a weird incest vibe from the way she said it. I always made fun of her because of it. That is the seed of the story of T.

She sees  a boy, a boy sees her. In school. Tries to say hi to her. She's not interested. She has someone else in mind. I love you she says to him. I love you too he says. No, I really love you she says. What do you mean? She comes over and slowly, lightly kisses him on the mouth. He pushes her off. I'm your brother. We can't do that. She says she knows. They stare at each other.
Years later, they are holding hands at a corner of a family party. Family members see them and they let go. It's their secret. Family member notes how close they are and how good of a brother he is to her. Big brother looking out for little sister. Sister says that she just needs to find a great man like her brother to marry.

All family is inside the home now. They sneak to the shed and kiss passionately. An uncle walks in and drops his beer seeing what they were doing. They are caught. Deer in headlights.

3 years later. Teenagers.

M-

I met M when I was fifteen or so. He was given up for adoption. He was the one that wanted to meet me and T. That is the seed of the story of M.

Now...EXPAND these stories.

Heavy Mettle

A band. But not really rocking. The problem:

Vocalist is more interested in sex with groupies who've never heard him sing.

Guitarist loves drugs , really loves drugs. Can shred on the guitar while coked out.

Bassist wants to become a rapper. Always trying to show he can rap.

Drummer wants to be a filmmaker. He loves movies as much as the drums.

Mass ideas

1. A woman drinks her smoothie. A red liquid that is sucked up the straw by gorgeous red lips.
2.  A celeb gets away with murder, but a papparazi catches it on camera. Photographs as weapons.
3. Roach Coach- daily lives of a crushed dreamer.
4.  A television host with a mask on. Wizard of Oz. 4-5 minute desk show. Political. One statistic at the end of each episode.
5. Shadow Dog and Shadow Fox
6. God marries the Devil. God is woman, Devil is man.

2 guys commentating on a fight

A good short film would be 2 guys commentating on a fight and saying ridiculous things like, "Oh my God, I think he might have broken in half."
Very wrestling like commentating.

When I was a teenager

When I was a teenager working at the mall I was outside smoking a cigarette, being cool. This angel of a woman came walking towards me. She, herself was a teenager, but had adult eyes that shined the most vibrant blue. She had wavy blonde hair down to her shoulders and a fair skin that only a Queen could produce. I knew I only wanted to be close to her as long as I could.

She smiled at me in shy grace. I said hello. She spoke French back to me. I was puzzled. Here was the woman of my dreams and I couldn't communicate with her. She only knew yes or no to my questions. She points up to the sky and says France. She asked for a smoke which I complied. I lit her cigarette and was so close to her that my heart was skipping beats by the moment.

We just looked at each other only knowing what we both felt but could not tell freely. She waves goodbye and me too. As she starts to leave I stop her knowing this might be my last time to see. I tell her I will go to France and find her and marry her one day.

When I was a teenager.

Hiearchy X

The theme will be about each scene fighting each other for a chance at the top. Top of career, sex life, relationships, status.

Rap Commander Supreme

I wear shades at night and standard military uniform all the time

What is a Hipster and how do we get rid of them?

 Don’t deny it, you’re a hipster.
Ironic? Very.

QUESTION: How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
ANSWER: It's some obscure number. You probably wouldn't understand.

Hipsters are young, independent-minded, counter-culture types. But I could be wrong because no hipster would actually admit that they are a specific type. To research hipsters is in itself a very ironic idea.

Artsy types have always been against what is anti-establishment. Hipsters have turned this behavior into a game of who can out-mainstream who. The coffee shouldn’t be from Starbucks, instead brewed at home and brought in with an environmentally-friendly mug. The home furniture has to be bought from Salvation Army or a garage sale. The music has to be completely unrecognizable to the regular audiophile. The clothes should be vintage with a sarcastic slogan-tee thrown in on occasion. Add a mustache or beard for men, and tight jeans. Really tight jeans. For the women in the hipster scene, wearing glasses even if you have perfect vision is considered essential along with wearing coats even in the heat of summertime. 

College minded hipster? Liberal Arts degree only! If you did manage a degree in science or accounting, state that you like the creative side of the numbers and formulas.

A definitive hipster trait is to like a majorly popular group like The Postal Service or Deerhoof, but you must state you enjoyed their previous work more and no longer consider them the prodigy they once were. Independent music is best so stay ahead of the game by going to as many shows as possible to be in the scene. Don’t forget to insult every band no matter what because street credibility is at stake.

For films, overly bad “B” movies must be studied religiously. If  in doubt, always revert to Toxic Avenger, or anything from Troma. References to films that no one knows will always make a hipster hip. If meeting someone that knows that film reference; either marry that person or dig deeper for less-known films.

Everything spoken should have sarcasm put in to show elitism over others, even if you do care for them. Facebook just won’t cut it unless you constantly update about how boring it is on the site and stating that too many people waste their lives on the computer. If you are a hipster with a romantic side, you probably should start a blog, but don’t use blogger, you need Wordpress.(I'm obviously not hip enough to use Wordpress. -D)

Wanting to get around is a necessity but hipsters don’t own cars. Use the bus, or walk. If you want to get around in style, get a single gear bike - buy it used and spray paint it yourself, of course.

The hipster lifestyle is not always an easy choice, but the rewards that come from it, such as always feeling superior to others is worth it. So go forth, and make obscurity known!

Self Congratulatory Writer

Hello?

Yes. I'd like more info on writing for your site. Aw yes. NY Times? Pfft. Not funny anymore.

And to prove my point I will start yelling out something.

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! See? I knew you'd start to chant eventually. Point proven. Self congratulatory masturbation awarded to myself.

Check and mate!

Funny dating site role reversal.

If men wrote what women write on their profiles for dating sites such as POF, OKCupid, eHarmony, and Matchmaker:





READ MY PROFILE PLZ!
I only date white girls.
Be 5 foot or shorter(just my preference cause I like my girl to wear heels and still be shorter than me)
You shuld be intellectul.
DON'T MESSAGE ME IF YOU JUST WANNA GET LAID. I'M NOT INTO THAT! GO SOMEWHERE ELSE LOSER!(I still love sex like crazy but have to write that in there just so you know I'm serious!)
No "ghetto girls" Seriously, you claiming the Westside in your late twenties Lil Kim?
I know I'm chubby. But I don't like chubby girls. Only girls that workout 6 days a week cause live a little right?
If you have a picture of your bo0bs hanging out, I might look, but totally not interested.
No baby daddy drama!
Come on girls, please don't put subject messages as "hi" or "wassap" or "ur hott". Let's be a little more original, I get 300 messages a day in my inbox, make yours standout if you want a reply. Oh yeah and I delete all messages without a photo(come on? Who doesn't have a photo these days?)!!!
I used to model for a company I can't tell you about.
Lastly, I'm definitely not attracted to black or Asian women. They are gross. Not my style which is classy. I only like white girls.
GOOD LUCK FISHING!
Interests:
white girls, motorcycles, shouting at the top of my lungs

First Date:
Its up to me to decide cause I'M THE MAN!!!

Timmy

OPEN MOUTH "Awwwwww"

Hi, I'm Timmy. People ask me why that's my name. Well for one its not. My real name is LeBron. Number two, Timmy is my nickname. I've got a big mouth.
OPEN MOUTH "AGGGGHH."
See? Stupid. Now its true I'm not a kid anymore. I'm an adult. 17 years of age now. I'm not a kid anymore, I'M A MAN. No longer 5 years old. The point is shutup about it OK?
SPIT
I ask my friends if they want to hang out ALL THE TIME. They are boring.  I'm sure you're asking if they ever hang out with me.  Well they have not. I guess they really aren't my friends after all. Jerks. Making a grown man like me cry.
CRY.
I have a sister. She's annoying. This is my impression of her: "Oh my gah, blahahahahhahahahaha, I'm so ugly without makeup, blah blah, I'll tell on you, blah, I'm secretly a unicorn baby love child"
LAUGH
I like video games and I like girls. Girls all want to be with me. I think its cause I'm so good looking. I'm like an appetizer. Of course I'll make you overweight and codependent but you just can't help but have another taste. OK, OK, girls don't want to be with me. They actually call me names. I'm sure you've heard Dummy, Stupid, Adopted, Poor, Alone Forever, Probably a Homosexual. That's what I get called by girls. So I play a lot of video games. I go to school with a bunch of mean girls is what I'm getting at.
Speaking of school. I do alright. My favorite class is Drama cause I get to pretend. Originally I wanted to be a baseball player or James Bond or the President when I got old, but now that I'm a man, I realize I really can be any of those in a movie. I just want to be an actor.

START MONOLOGUE ON STAGE:

Innocence killed

I had a dream that woke me up so violently I gasped for air waking up.

It was a dream about me, my mother, my father, and my sister. They were all in it. And all played crucial roles of good vs. evil.

It's a family story. Then it got dark. I was alone at home. For some reason, the home was not what it was before. It was actually my dad's old apartment. After the divorce. And for some reason, my mother was still alive. And married to my father. I didn't like this at all.

I had just gotten home after a long time away. Nobody was home, but I had a key. Some kind of welcome back.
I noticed my pet beta fish was missing. And I went berserk looking for him. At this time, my mother and my sister came home, while I was looking all over the small apartment for my beta fish which I should mention I'm notorious for keeping alive and well in real life.

My mother explains that when my father took over he changed everything. I yell out that I'm going to get him for ruining what I'd taken so long to take care of and grow.

I yell for someone to get him on the phone. I yell "what is his number?". My sister sitting on the couch grabs out a blacked out Lotus cell phone and dials. It's not his normal number I realize by the tones. He's changed it.

I get on the phone when I hear a voice. It's not him. It's a pawn of his. Some guy, a nobody, a foot soldier. I'm talking things over and it turns out the pawn has been screwed with too. He says my father is simmering something. I'm assuming because my father is a cook at a restaurant somewhere.

The pawn puts on a fake sounding smile over the phone and transfers me over when he knows I won't put up with his bullshit.

Someone else picks up. It's a woman. Probably around my father's age. Maybe a year younger. She tells me that my father is busy. I yell for her to get him on the phone right now.

At this time, I, myself get lucky and find my beta fish, who is now barely alive. And to my amazement, they are all there. All of the fish I've had as pets growing up and into adulthood. And they've been having babies. Like kidnapped P.O.W.'s in a camp. But instead of a camp, it is a glass aquarium P.O.W. camp.

I scream that I'm going to kill him at the top of my lungs. My sister notices an all black mosquito on me. I swat it away. Then I see it on my wrist. It dives and disappears inside my skin. I see the lump in my skin as it comes up my right arm and I'm not sure if I should break whatever it is inside my body with a smack of my hand. I say, "what the hell",  I go for it.

I smack at it as it goes to my biceps. It is not dying. It is robotic I realize. A spy. A spy fly. Its going to kill me if I don't act right now. I keep swatting at it.

I wake up short on breath.

What I know about riding motorcycles

Writing stuff down for a potential video project for the company I work for. What is motorcycling to me?

Its about being free. Being rebellious. Having a bit of style. Having a hot woman want to be on me and my bike.

Knowing that there are ways to die and ways to live.

Taking some risk is necessary.

MURDER, MAYHEM, RAPE, AND ROBBERY

This is what a gun is for.

Coming soon.

BJH

Johnny and brothers get ready. Wearing suits like they are going out to the club. They are younger. Dance music starts. It is a club. They take a seat. One goes to get the drinks. They all sit there and have a drink. Girls come over. They get swoo'ed(sp) by one of the brothers. Then with a snap of the fingers, they are gone.
They walk right up to another set of older guys though. They are brought in with smiles. They switch bags. (the bags have money and passports, another story) They all nod goodbye. But Johnny doesn't move. He grabs a shot of tequila and downs it. Liquid courage. Then he pulls out a gun and shoots a guy. The rest of the brothers shoot the other older guys. The music has stopped. The bag is left. The boys are gone.

Setup right there.
meat of the story now:

Everyone has to lose

He's so crazy, he wants everyone to lose.

Rape

A movie about rape seems like a challenge. Notably because the beautiful women in my life have some horror story about it.
I tend to think about my rats Itchy and Scratchy. I used to watch them in their glass cage. I forget who was the male and who was the female, but lets just say Itchy was male and Scratchy was female. I had Scratchy first and decided she needed a mate. I was 14 or so about that time. So I went and bought a male rat. I dumped him in the cage and Itchy was pretty scared for a bit. Then they kind of smelled each other and I thought it was all good. No, they fought for a few moments and then moved to other parts of the cage like boxers during a rest period. So I would lose interest and go watch cartoons or whatever and go check up on them every once in a while. After a bit I saw Itchy fighting with Scratchy and overpower her. He would be on top of her. My 14 year old mind was thinking this wasn't quite right, but maybe that is how they designate who is the alpha. I remember thinking that I didn't like Itchy doing that to her against her will. Scratchy would fight on her back scratching away and trying to get loose. But eventually she would give in and Itchy would do whatever he wanted with her.
This wasn't my idealized version of rape but its all I knew. This was the realm of nature as far as I was concerned. I still didn't feel right about it but I accepted it. I figured they would learn to love each other and it would end. After a few days, they were still fighting and Itchy overpowering Scratchy. I couldn't take seeing Scratchy getting hurt so I took Itchy out one night and put him in a neighbor I didn't like's mailbox.
If a woman isn't interested, I'm no longer interested. Maybe its because I'm so used to women going after me and me not being interested in them because I can have what I want.
Writing this might help. I'm thinking its because I know I'm very much wanted because I'm a good looking, talented Persian man. Anyway, the conceited me needs to shut the fuck up. Back to the rape story idea.

A few of the girls I have dated have brought up being raped as a young girl in casual conversation. Which makes me think that generally these girls were the Itchy in my previous story. They didn't know what they wanted. They were afraid/curious about sex. But the Scratchy character pushed and pushed until he got his way. Is that nature? Is that in our natural order? Why did these girls so easily talk about their past rape I wonder. I think rape is easily thrown out there without taking curiousity, young love, etc into mind.
My story idea about rape would just be not showing the rape. Not showing her account, flashback like we always see. It would have to be the moments right after. She calls, has a friend take her home, she doesn't say anything. Her husband/bf sees her and consoles her. Their relationship is strained. If my longtime gf/wife got raped, it would be traumatic and I'd want to go after her rapist and beat the crap out of him if not make him go to prison where he could be raped by a dude.. What if it were two guys? That would be more dramatic. Oooh what would be really cool would be if she goes after him/them for revenge. It has to be an eye for an eye. Castration or something.
A rape comedy? I'm sure that would not go well with audiences. But if Daniel Tosh can joke about it... Rape: The comedy. hah.
I'm remembering a time when I was tired and my gf wouldn't leave me alone until I had sex with her. Would that be rape? I guess that would be my story of rape anyway.
I really don't know, how do writers get inspiration for writing about a subject they are interested to do but have a small personal knowledge about?
I need to think about this a long time. Cause I really don't know too much here and its definitely a story that needs to be told and told well.

My dream actors for Bring Johnny Home

For an ensemble cast I would have these actors in my story.

Maria- female, 30's, good looking trophy wife of Jefe. EVA LONGORIA

Jefe- male, late 30's, the oldest brother. A suit wearing fat-cat. Feared and respected mafioso boss. JAVIER BARDEM.

Johnny- male, late 20's, casual suit wearing, good looking and charming anti-hero. GAEL GARCIA BERNARD.

Tony- male, late 30's, casual suit wearing, goes with the flow attitude, very likable, middle brother. ETHAN HAWKE

Roberto- male, late 30's. 2nd in command. The leader of the team. Always wears sunglasses. A badass. Quiet and to the point. Jefe's advisor. UNKNOWN ACTOR

Carlos- male, late 20's. Obnoxious even in his casual suit. He's the wild one, but also the most logical when needed. He is the closest to Johnny because they are the youngest brothers. DIEGO LUNA

Border Patrolman- male, late 30's. He's a mean tough guy. He's by the book, but everyone has his price. GIOVANNI RIBISI

Gas Attendant- male, mid 20's. Slack jawed yokel, but he's not as dumb as he looks. BEN FOSTER

Hotel Clerk- male, late 30's. Almost obvious homosexual, but still very professional. SETH GREEN

Bartender- male, 50's. Older with grey hairs but still very sexy. Full of wisdom and wit. Knows how to read people. HUGH LAURIE

Mexican Goddess- female, 20's. Seductive but deadly, she sparks with sexuality. Very easy to approach, but conniving. MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Health

A person works out and works hard at being healthy his entire first quarter century. Only to find out he's going to die anyway in a year because of a virus/cancer. Its his journey to do what he always wanted.

Movies for women that aren't "chick flicks"

I'd like to see a movie where the lady makes the big mistake and the story is about her changing to make things work with her love.

Does that sound hard to make?

Cause its usually the guy that does that kind of soul searching and discovers he loves the gal in Hollywood. Anyway I am trying to come up with "anti-chick flick" movies that are about women for women.

Lolita

I got stared down by a 15-16 year old blonde haired girl and trying to figure out how to deal with this since I'm no longer 20. Do I just look back at her like I don't get it or do I just smile and walk off. I did the latter...

I've decided to write a Lolita story and use my dating younger women experience as fuel for the fire.

I'm too old to date anyone younger than 18 and 18 is really pushing it. These girls don't even know what to do with the beautiful bodies they got.

I got lots of flack for dating an 18 year old when I was in my mid-twenties. After dating around when I moved to California, I met all these 18-19 year olds to date. I'm lucky I age slowly. Too bad for them I want someone my age.

4-3-2-1=CREDITLINE

4 brothers is Gang of Four
3 brothers Gang of Three
2 brothers is Blood in the water
1 brother is CREDITLINE

Great day for a Funeral

Thats me. I sure was cute wasn't I? I was so cute, everyone said it. It got pretty annoying but I don't hold that against them though.....I was a good kid for the most part, I didn't cry much or talk much for that matter, which led my mother to believe I was sick or half mute or something. Thats why I was taken to visit the doctor often until he told her this was a normal thing for some children, some kids just want to be quiet. I did all the normal things kids do, but much to my mother's dismay I grew out of that phase pretty quickly.

I went to school and did pretty well. I wouldn't say I did great because I never pursued anything past a few semesters in college, but that doesn't mean I didn't like to learn, but to me school was a form of rote learning and I wanted to learn by doing. Yeah I was more interested in partying sure, what twenty year old didn't? I met Maria while partying. I called her Marie instead of Maria from the start cause I was a little inebriated, which she hated, but she allowed me to call her that anyway. To this day I still don't know why she would let me. Anyway, we met at one of those parties. We met thru a mutual friend at the break of dawn at Pikers Cliff, which used to be a makeout area of the time, now its a goddamn apartment complex or something. We eventually hooked up and made ourselves a couple. Later that year is when we decided we'd make the setting permanent. We got married that October, and from then on tried to live a normal life. As normal as two grown babies could make it. She decided she wanted to be a teacher and I a columnist for the daily paper. I didn't love my job but it paid the bills and put a roof over our heads. Plus it gave me time to be quiet.

About ten years ago, Marie got sick. Not the sickness that you get better from eventually though. It was two years of her fighting like hell while the doctors kept running tests and not coming up with any answers. I don't think I've ever recovered fully from losing her. I was never close to anyone, not even my own family except maybe my younger sister...but Marie came the closest to understanding me though I never told her anything, especially my feelings. I never told her anything, but I think she knew and understood.

I don't know what it is about today, this day of all days, but I woke up and couldn't lift my body out of bed as hard as I tried. I'm in some pain. You'd think I'd be scared but I'm not though....I did start to have these problems rather recently. Last year I started waking up in the mornings and started to cough up blood. Not everyday but every once in a while. I haven't smoked for years now so I don't know what the problem is. I had a heart attack 6 months ago too. Its the pains of growing old. So I'm stuck here in this deathbed. Sure I could yell for help, but if its my time its my time. Its OK. I'll take this hand I've been dealt. I can lay here and just think about the good times that went with the bad times. Most of the time was just filler though now that I see it in retrospect.

Werd-Plei

If you like the Far Side by Gary Larson then Werd-Plei is right up your alley.
Alleyway shown.



Close up of red eyed stoner. "This is good pot."
Camera moves out to pots and pans that are being washed.

typing away at a keyboard.
Ahhh a mouse! standing on computer chair staring at input device.

A girlfriend or mom type bitches at someone not seen ending with "You're always screwing up".
Cut to a boy screwing in a screw upwards into a piece of wood.

Beat around the bush


Shooting the breeze.

Threesome

3some......................
how it works....................
Danny and Ginger have hot sex. Incredibly hot sex. Exhausting sex.
Ginger lays there afterward and tells him about Jennie being dumped by her boyfriend. Danny says yeah a cute girl like that deserves better.?
The next day, she and her friends are having coffee and talking about their sex lives.
Their conversation revolves about how great Ginger got it the night before.
Jenny states that she would love to feel that good. Ginger implies that Jenny should feel that good.
That day Danny comes home and sees both ladies there chatting on the couch.
Danny quotes something about a hard day of work and needing to let off some stress.
Jenny comes over and sits right next to Danny, touching his shoulder lightly rubbing him.
Danny looks straight at Ginger. He feels hot for Jenny but is loyal to Ginger. But Ginger isn't mad. In fact, she's loving right now.
Ginger looks at him seductively and says "Happy Anniversary baby."
Danny looks over and Jenny starts kissing his neck as Ginger comes up and does the same.

A chocolate shop

A father and his son walk in the dark. All that can be seen are two pairs of eyes moving.

(walking)
Peep: How much further Pa? My legs are killing me.
Pa: Hollow legs?
No answer.
Pa: I don't know, a mile, maybe less.
Peep: What time do you think it is? 9? 10?
Pa: Its probably near midnight.
(Walking)
Peep: Pa?
Pa: Yeah?
Peep: How did you meet Ma?.
(walking)
Peep: Pa?
Pa: That's a good one. How I met Henrietta.
Peep: Is this an adventure story?
Pa: I don't want to hear a peep out of you. Just listen, kid....I was in college. They were giving out free chocolate samples. I walked into the shop. I smiled at the lady at the cash register. She was young and beautiful.
She said "I'll be right with you." I nibbled on my free chocolates. I got a single truffle that she rang me up for. Then I stood silent and waited.
I looked at her, but she was turned away from me, diligently doing her merchandising. I let out a little voice so she would know I was still there. "I'll be right with you," she said. She turned around and saw me again. She thought there was something wrong. She came out from behind the counter. She had these beautiful dark eyes, I could see the world in them.
"For you," I said. I hoped she would give me a peck on the lips worthy of the best romantic novel.
Peep: Oh Geez.
Pa: "Thanks," she said instead, looking down at the truffle that she had accepted. "What am I supposed to do with it?"
"What do females ever do with chocolate" I said, as I looked down at the floor. "You tell me how sweet I am, you eat it, then life goes on." She said "So, it's the thought that counts? That's what you're saying?" "Yeah. I guess so." I replied.
"You thought this would make me notice you?" she asked.
"I wanted to tell you how I feel," I said solemnly.
She was quiet for a good moment.
I asked her if it worked.
"Not really," she said. "I work in a shop full of chocolates and I'm not incredibly fond of truffles. Couldn't you be more original than this?"
"I know that females love chocolates and ponies. I couldn't very well bring a pony in here, now could I?"
"No, I guess not" she said.
I started to leave but she asked me to wait. I turned around to her smiling at me. I looked down and that was when I noticed she had something for me. It was another single piece of chocolate.

Peep: That was an interesting story Pa, maybe one day I'll meet a nice chick.
Pa: The story worked, we're almost home.
(walking)

The lights from the house get brighter on the father and son. They are chickens. Evil looking, cyborg chickens.

Peep: Pa, you think I'll meet someone as nice as Ma?
Pa: Of course. I wouldn't doubt it for a second.
Pa closes the door. A Chicken CLUCK is heard.

The end.

Literary Agent

Dear Literary Agent
,
I am a somewhat young writer, thirty years old. I have written and directed numerous short films and written 3 feature length scripts since getting serious about my craft four years ago.
They are: Blood in the Water, a feature length thriller screenplay I wrote about two brothers that fall in love with the same woman, their feud for her leads to deadly consequences. Roach Coach, a comedy story about a food truck owner in Los Angeles who dreams of owning a real restaurant, but is blackmailed from doing so by his female coworker. My latest finished script is a thriller, BRING JOHNNY HOME(stylized in caps), about the head of a Mexican mafioso getting out of prison from a year long sentence to find out his recent wife is pregnant and his youngest brother, Johnny, is missing.

I would be happy to send any of these screenplays for you to look at, if you'd like. I'm particularly proud of BRING JOHNNY HOME.
The reason I'm asking for a query is that I'm hard at work on my newest feature length screenplay, The Clocks That Can't Be Fixed, about a Mediterranean child raised by adoptive Caucasian parents in a small Midwestern town who decides to look for his biological parents who now reside in California and finds out he is not an only child. The theme for this story is that there is never enough time to do what you want, so spend that time wisely. The pages are in pretty good shape, and I'd also be delighted to show you this one.
On my list of works to write is Creditline, set in the future when everyone has credit limits instead of money, where one man's credit and identity disappears after he witnesses a high-profile murder. The other script I'm working on is Celebrity, about a well known celebrity who is caught burglarizing a jewelry shop by the owner and escapes by committing murder in the public eye, and while on bail, freely roams the streets while tensions rise among his neighbors, family, and friends around him as he pretends that nothing has happened.
Please be in touch and tell me if you'd like to see some of my material. In the meantime, I appreciate you taking the time to read my letter.

Best Regards,
Danny Derakhshan

Woman escapes from mental institution

Gerald sits down to a cup of hot chocolate. He turns on the TV and watches his favorite Simpsons cartoon. The cartoon goes to a commercial where on the TV a newsbroadcast has the anchorman reporting the quick news. "Mental Institute had three escaped women leave this morning. Now two of them have been caught. The third woman, now known as Miss Janine Sumperton is still at large."
Gerald spits out his hot chocolate at the news. That escaped woman is his ex wife and mother of his child who is at a birthday party that evening. He knew he didn't feel right coming home tonight as if someone was there all along. He quickly gets up and goes to the kitchen to grab a towel and the phone. He goes in the kitchen, grabs a white towel. He doesn't care that it'll be shit brown from the chocolate he needs to clean up. He goes back to the living room and grabs the phone on the way. He drops the towel to where the chocolate has been spit out and dabs it with his foot. As he does this, he dials the police department.
"Hello, I need personal affairs." "yeah, this is Jim, said a voice. "Jim, my wife is Janine Sumperton, well my ex wife, she escaped this morning. I need to get a patrol car here for tonight for me and my son Timothy." After much discussing with the detective, Gerald hangs up.
Footsteps are overheard from the backyard. Gerald slowly goes back and flips the lightswitch on. He peers out, but sees nothing. "I better turn on some lights until the police get here." He starts to turn on other lights just to be safe. He gets to the front and turns on the outdoor lights. A hand comes down and grabs him by the throat. It is Janine! He struggles and out the door he can hear police officers come up to the front door and ring the doorbell.
"Open the door, and talk to them, but do not let them in." says Janine.

Write down everything that we did as a group

At the age of 14 I had never seen a hardcore porno and admitted it to my friends who immediately took me to Justin's house, where The Fugitive was being held. The VHS tape box was for The Fugitive, but we had secretly named it The Fugitive with the Stolen Dildo because, well...it was a hardcore porno tape dubbed over The Fugitive. That tape went around and around our circle of friends and eventually was given outside the circle and never recovered.


Every Wednesday was recycling day, where the trucks would come get clean recyclables. I had a better plan. I would ditch school that day and go around from house to house with giant plastic garbage bags. I would go through the recyclables and take all the aluminum cans with me until I had a full bag or two. By 11 am, I had about 20 dollars worth of cans and took them to the little recycling centers that are in the parking lot of the grocery store. I did this like clockwork.


We would sometimes peep on other people in their homes. Once we saw this chick and dude come into the living room and they were very affectionate and sensual with each other. The chick was wearing a robe and the dude had his shirt off, we figured out what they were doing earlier.


We all saw a UFO the night nobody had any drugs or alcohol on us. One night we were all hanging out and there was nothing else to do so we went walking around the neighborhood finding places to hang out. We ended up near a creek just smoking cigarettes into the night. Later, Mitch noticed something in the sky hovering very slowly. Not so slowly that it would be anything we would know it would have been. We watched this thing hover around slowly in the sky for what felt like thirty minutes. We all agreed we were completely sober and that it must have been an alien ship. I still don't know what it was.


As we talked on the phone, it was important for us to talk in code in case our parents were listening in to our plans. So meet up spots had codenames like titty bridge because the bridge looked like it was a chick laying on her back with upright nipples poking out, vince's bridge was next to Vince's house but that wasn't a great codename, danny's crack was my hilarious attempt at wanting my own meetup place. It was just a spot that two houses almost met but the fences didn't meet so it was a crack or narrow getaway, the trees was meeting inside a tree. It was a huge tree that we had made into a reverse moat. We moved all the limbs around to the outer edge so we could hang out without people seeing us, though a smoking tree was probably noticeable.

When we didn't have a car, the only place to hang out was the back of buildings. There was a Blockbuster video that we'd hang out behind it smoking and drinking. One day me and Vince almost got into a fist fight when he kicked paint over me when we were drunk. After we had ingested the necessary alcohol. I went and sat by this door and lit up a cigarette. I guess Vince didn't know what the hell he was doing. He saw some paint cans about ten feet away from me and just kicked the shit out of one of them. The little paint can came flying at me and this greyish water splattered all over me. I was fucking pissed. I pushed him because I wasn't blind with rage but pissed enough to want him to apologize but he was drunk and didn't back down. There were metal rods that were about 6 feet long by the area and I grabbed one and chucked it at him. Luckily it missed but I saw how scared he got and threw 4 or 5 more near him. I think we took some barely visible punches and said "Fuck it, its not worth fighting, i'm piss drunk" and he gave me a cigarette and we were good again.

Me and Vince got drunk together one night and stayed up all night running around goofing off. The sun started showing up and we realized that we didn't have to be the kids that were sneaking out at night anymore so we got out our skateboards at 7am and rolled around trying to do stunts not quite drunk anymore but just awake. We barely had any energy to do weak tricks and even those weren't that great.

Vince, Me and David were hanging out together when Vince's mother paged him. So we went to his house where Vince was told that the family was going somewhere for an hour or two, which Vince still tried to fight to stay with us and hang out. So anyway, the 3 of us went outside and what me and Dave heard was Vince say "You guys can stay inside my house when you are gone. We'll be back in a few hours." What Vince had said was "You guys can stay ON THE SIDE of the house." Me and David knew where Vince's spare key was as did all our friends know each others secrets. So me and Dave go smoke a cigarette half a mile away and wait for them to leave.
So we get inside and the alarm goes off. "Why didn't Vince turn it off if he knew we were going to be in here watching TV?" I had said. David and me got a brilliant idea that Vince must've changed the code to something easy. I dialed in 1.2.3.4. The alarm went off! Cool!
Me and David turned on the TV and grabbed some Bugles from the pantry. A phone call came in and the caller ID said "Alarm Company". I picked it up and calmly gave the explanation. The guy on the phone said to let the police know when they came cause they had to. So that is how we almost got arrested for "breaking in" by using the keys to Vince's house so we could watch TV while Vince went somewhere for a few hours. The cops came and questioned us. Put us in cuffs and threw us in the backseat of the car...just as Vince and his family come back. The cops ask Vince's mother if she wants to press charges and she says "Hell no, get them out of those handcuffs." Vince seemed more upset that we had eaten his Bugles than being in his house.

We all knew what time that David's parents went to work. I think we hung out at David's because both his parents worked, this was the late 1990's and not everyone worked back then, lots of stay at home moms etc. Well we got used to going there that we planned our days around it. We might go to first class, then ditch the rest of the day over at his house. His parents were gone at 10:30am. So we'd wait near the house, say half a block away behind a trash can or behind some bushes until we spied his parents cars leave for work. Then we'd creep out and knock on Davids door to get in and start smoking weed.

Along with David's house came a rule for the closest of friends. It was called the "4:30 plan". David stated that everyone had to leave at 4:30 because his parents came home. So everybody said goodbye and left, except for the crew. We would walk about 2 to 3 blocks and then cut behind houses and appear at David's backdoor, this time it would just be the boys and we would hang out for another hour or so. That was the 4:30 plan.

There was a little trailer on a spot of land in the suburbs by David's home. The trailer looked uninhabited so we got into it and made it a home away from home. The trailer was the place to go before David's parents went to work. We would hang out and smoke or drink. Some dudes fucked girls in there, it got pretty crazy. It was dirty and nasty in there but it was a place to keep out of the snow until we could get into a house.


Once we got used to theft from businesses instead of buying them. I got out a school notebook and created 10 daring escape acts for theft. One from 7'11 to steal a lifetime supply of cigarettes, one from the liquor store for a lifetime supply of liquor, Stealing from Amini's Galleria for two $100 dollar pool sticks, and more I can't think of anymore. The plot was written down, mapped my escapes and what its value was in the pawn shops. Well for some asshole reason, Travis said it would be great to steal from the highest on the list first. Amini's Galleria. Then someone thought it would be great to get drunk first. Bad idea. Me and this kid Noah got drunk and got dropped off and went in and did a grab and run kind of scenario. Completely off from what I planned and we got caught a mile down the road after running from them. The Arab guys that owned the place beat the living shit out of me while waiting for the cops. One funny thing I said was "I swear to Allah, I'm sorry." I was really drunk and deserved all those punches in the face. The cops came and one of the cops that showed was my friend's mother. That was bad.

Me and Justin figured out how to steal alcohol from Homeland grocery. We did it quite successfully and got the house of 5 girls and 5 boys somewhat drunk. Now what happened is one of the hotter girls asks if I'll go steal more for me and her. I tell her no because i'm good and buzzed already. She starts to play with my dick in my pants and asks again. That was enough to get me going to the store. So me and Justin go back in happily walking through the grocery store with stupid smiles on our drunken faces putting cases upon cases of beer under the grocery cart space and walk it out. As we hit the parking lot, 2 guys come up behind us and Justin gets escorted away. I start running and this guy tackles me. He tries to handcuff me but I pull some crazy ass linebacker from the NFL twist and run off. I think I'm okay a half mile out, but he chases me down and catches me and brings me back where they called our parents. I remember being a complete dickhead to them. They took our photos which I smiled for the Polaroid camera. What an arrogant asshole I was. Anyway, we had to do 8 hours community service for the store, cleaning the store a week later.

Betrayal karma for me was when I stole from someone's sack of marijuana and hid it in my shoe. Later that night we went skateboarding in a no skateboarding zone apparently because the cops came and gave us tickets for it. Also they searched us and the cop asked me to take off my shoes, which brought the bud into view and I was arrested and taken to CIC, Children in Custody I think. While in there I figured I was in jail so I should start working out. I did pushups and sit ups until some guy yelled at me to stop.

I had to be taken to a "Scared Straight" program where I was dropped off at some government building and had Convicts having to tell us how bad it is in prison. I was ready to be bored off my ass for 8 hours. I walked in and saw my best friend David sitting in the back row. Me and him sat there joking around the whole time as I was pointing people out and stating what they were there for notably the fine little girls for prostitution.

Me and David getting in an argument about Beth. He told me that he liked her and I thought I'd do him a huge favor and go up and try to hook them up. She said she liked David as a friend(it turned out she wanted Travis because he had a car, women go figure) and I told him that. He was struck down pretty hard. He unfriended me for a long ass time too. I remember he threw a party and I wasn't invited. That sucked. He had a slingshot on the roof when I came to apologize and pelted the fuck out of me with rocks. I remember after a month or so, I saw him and he was completely happy to see me, I thought he was faking so he could punch me in the face but he hugged me and we were cool again.

Me and Justin got in a fight about something. But he took my PA and mic out and left it outside. Damn what did I do?

The only person that we didn't get in fights was Vince, we argued and shit but it wasn't like we stopped talking together. The coolest thing about us was that it was mostly just "forget it, lets talk about something else" kind of scenario. We always joked around about our races in our friends clique. David was Asian, Justin was white, Vince was Italian, Mitch was Irish, Travis was half Indian, and me Iranian. The group joked that we were the United Nations but cooler. I think me and Vince said that Persians and Italians would join forces and if the Italians didn't put you in cement shoes, the Persians would blow you up.

Mitch was mad the latest at the group. He fell asleep before everyone else one night a year ago. We posted the pics up on MySpace and he was pissed the fuck off. I didn't think it was too bad of a photo. It was him next to some flowers and he was sleepy, I think the guys were fucked up and it was pretty harmless but he took it really closely. Anyway, we are friends still. Its weird now because me and Mitch were not the closest in the group but I know that as we've grown, we are more like minded and I know we'd be hanging out everyday if I was in OKC today. We'd be off shooting guns, fishing on a boat we'd work on together.

Getting in a fight with Steve and Dwayne. I was in the car, Vince got punched by Steve. Weird, I think they just wanted to fight.

Dave was always starting fires. Haha. Just random matches being started and flung. Fucking hilarious.

Justin going overboard on stealing CD's and just stealing anything because he could and was good.

We all had pager codes. 33 for me, 6916 for Dave, 69 was meet up, 666 meant abort the mission(more on that) 20 20 was come see me. We had code names for meet up places.


The missions were to sneak out at night, and get into some trouble. We had a time where we stole all the bicycles left outside, once my entire garage in my house had 20 bikes in there. One night the bike I had stolen had broke its chain. I had to find a bike to bike home with and the only thing availabe around was a little girls pink bike. Fuck, I had to roll that home and ditched it around my house.


I think everyone tried to get with KC. Us being guys and she was blonde and had boobs. It was weird. I had no idea what the fuck I was doing on top of her. I'm an idiot. She had great breasts. Turned out she is a smart little firecracker.


Vince's first girlfriend was drunk and so was I, Vince was drunk too, he was in the backseat of the car with her in the middle and me and him on each side. I guess she was too fucked up and started groping me, fondling my junk and nudging me with her face on my neck. I knew Vince was my friend but I was drunk and I didn't say anything, plus I was pretty drunk 16 year old, she was 18 or 19. I told him later on in life and we had such a laugh about it.

Justin was the craziest next to Mitch. We experimented heavily with alcohol and wanted to see how good we could drive drunk. Justin would down a bottle of vodka and we would too. Put on our seatbelts and just go very very fast on the highway. Turn left, turn right, turn left etc, until we were lost in the boonies of Oklahoma and try to find our way back.


I got in a fight with those 6 black dudes over a pager which I was showing off. My brother loaned me his pager so I could look cool at school. Going home with my pals, a crew of black kids came out. Justin and Vince hid their pagers but I didn't understand why. The black guys fucked with me and then this one little guy came in and slapped me. I saw red. I threw my coat off and started after him and then five of his friends came in to the fight. I got a lot of punches at me and I gave a lot of punches. It was weird cause the next day at school all the black guys in the hallway gave me this "head nod" like they heard I was crazy son of a bitch or something. Also the black girls at the school kinda looked at me too. Fun times.


I had never been in a fight before and told my friends. They hooked me up. They found a kid that hadn't been in a fight either and he was this Asian kid. I forget his name but I met him a few years later and I think we were cool and realized it was stupid. The funny thing was he tried karate on me and I punched him in the top of his head. Not the best fight I'd ever been in.


Vince and me driving at night, a cop flicks his lights on, we think he's pulling us over and we have 30 valium on us. We decide to take half the bottle each, he goes first, swigging the bottle ingesting all of them. We spend half the night keeping him awake driving by the hospital in a large mile radius. Drinking a gallon of water, trying to make him throw up, etc.


Drove 2 cars full of people to Dallas for the Metallica concert, one of the cars stopped on the highway, so we packed 8 people in one little car. On the way back home, we met these ugly girls from Denton that drove a few of the guys home and wanted us to sleep with them. They were really ugly. I was wasted but even I could tell they were butt ugly.

Brian Grant- we sold him Hawaiian weed, which he happily bought. Nowadays, I think he did know it was fake but wanted friends so he pretended it got him high

High school I barely attended, showing up for lunch just to sell consumables. I was known as Dan the Acid Man in my sophomore year. I was always business back then. My friends and I would smoke pot all the time and even though I had taken LSD before I was not a big user. My selling point was that I was always on the acid and it was good. I even had buy one get one free on Halloween where I grossed 3k.

We met at the Clubhouse in Bluff Creek to plan out the days activities, smoke out.

Billy Ballews(?) We all decided to ditch class and go there to play video games. We all had about 2 bucks with us so we just walked around lazily playing a game or two. I happened to walk in a lonely corner and found a money bag full of tokens. I tried to contain myself and grabbed the 8 or so friends I had and passed out tokens to all them evenly. We played games for the next 4 hours where I learned to trick a ticket machine into giving me all the tickets it had. I took about 14,000 tickets to the counter once we were ready to leave and got the biggest electronic prize they had which was a Walkman. We walked across the street to the Venture and I returned it for 20 bucks which we bought some weed with. Possibly the greatest adventure day ever.

Me and Justin became friends because of a business deal. He had 2 copies of The Crow(which I still own today) and we negotiated I was to take him out for pizza after we smoked out,at the Fazoli's restaurant it was their grand opening. I went to the bathroom in Fazolis and unknown to me, Justin poured a shitload of red pepper on my pizza, I didn't notice as I came back and took huge bites. I ended up puking in the bathroom of the new restaurant. Best friends since that. The son of a bitch got me good.

When I was 14 my parents said they were wanting to leave for the weekend. I got the idea to throw a house party. Me and Zack created invite posters on his computer. I passed them out all over the school like I saw in some movie where the school is littered with invites. The principal calls me in to her office and she has one. The invite said BYOS (Bring your own stuff). She laughed and asked if she could come. I said anyone could come thats why there were flyers. Friday night came and about 50 people showed up, but my parents ended up not leaving for one reason or another. Cops showed up and everyone bailed, including me. I was seeing other people running and I started running. I got quite a bit of laughing at the next day at school. I never threw a party again.


Someone told me that Brandon had called my sister a slut. I went around saying I was going to kick his ass if I ever saw him again. Later that week, I was stoned and we drove to the 7'11. I'm in the passenger seat listening to music when Brandon shows up, sees me, comes right at me and tells me to get out of the car. I'm trying to be peaceful(I was messed up and not wanting to fight), and he sucker punched me in the face and he ran off. I was blazing mad at that point and we went searching for him. I saw him a few blocks down the road and ran at him- and got my ass kicked. He told me he was talking about KC, not my sister and we became cool again though my ego was bruised far more than my nose was.


We pulled a cigarette run at the local Stax. two groups of kids went in at different times and we got in place to steal as much as we could. Everyone got out but a good Samaritan grabbed David. We tried to get him out but couldn't. We tried everything, even breaking the back door in. Ross was kicking the door with all his might but it was the steel beam doors. David got picked up by the cops and we thought that was it for him. About an hour later, he showed up saying his parents dropped him off.


I was always around the convenience store stealing little things that I had no money for. Me and my friends could not go in if there was a certain person working who had caught us stealing.(I guess we weren't that good, or everyone eventually gets caught)I made friends with Josh, one of the guys that worked there. I did gas runs on him, then showed up later to hang out with him. He always pleaded with me not to steal from him but I had to. He only gave me a pack of cigarettes at a time. I did stock the cooler for him one day for a 6 pack of beer.


OGD: open garage door for other beer. We would go hunting at night for Open Garage Doors, or OGD as we would say over the phone. What this hunt consisted of was walking around looking for an OGD and running and grabbing all the beer in the fridge and consuming the alcoholic beverages. Once that mission was accomplished we would go on to more normal behavior like setting off fireworks and bothering people. On one occasion Dusty and Mitch broke into Brads parents garage and drank all his dads beer.


All we did was play pool instead of school. David had a pool table in his living room(awesome parents) and for some strange fate, his place became the go to place instead of rummaging the streets during school hours like Huck Finn. We would get stoned and play guitar and play loud music and shoot pool. David's parents owned a restaurant The Pagoda Garden and in his fridge was usually the most oriental foods that we always wanted to try. I think we had racoon balls once, or so David to us it was. I don't think I was ever grossed out so much after we had eaten some. Also there David came up with the staple of our teen lives: Bread, Sugar, and butter. I think we finished a loaf of bread a day.


Me and Vince were both bored of school by then. Class got out and we saw each other in the hallway. We both knew what each other wanted. To get high during school hours of course. We ran to his car, drove to his parents house, got some weed and rolled up a joint. We smogged out the car on the way back to school. Guess we weren't thinking too well back then. As we got back to the next hours class, he puts the roach in the ashtray. We get out of the car and smoke is coming out of the windows and what happens but Campus police came right then. Now this is what is interesting. We see this black cop always say "Just be honest and I'll let you go" and we lied and said we didn't have any. Regardless to say, we both got expelled from that particular high school, instead going to PC Academy which was in my opinion the greatest school ever. It was 4 hours long and I got credit for having a job.


David and the boys were hanging out and up walks Berkeley. For some reason the group didn't like him. David got up and said "hey watch this." and went up to Berkeley saying that Berkeley had talked shit about him. Berkeley denied it but David still clocked Berkeley in the face. Berkeley always feared David after that, even though they became "friends". Ahh, kids.


I got tired of asking for money in one dollar bills so came up with the scam of a lifetime. I pretended my car was broken down. I parked the car in a visible area and put the hood up. I stood around at the grocery store and asked for money, saying it was for gas and motor oil to get me to the next big city where I lived, I lived in Oklahoma City, but said I lived in Tulsa. Some nice folks gave me 5 dollars, but I was usually only asking for 3 dollars for a quart of oil. I came up with about $50 in an hour which I spent on stupid teenage things like cigarettes and gas and bottles of soda pop and probably weed.


In high school there were dozens of people asking for leftover change from getting a bag of chips. I observed a kid standing right by the machines and asked everyone for a good 5 minutes, until he had about 5 dollars from nickels, dimes and quarters.
I decided I'd go one notch higher. I took all lunches instead of going to class and came out with $25 dollars in one class day. I was asking for money, not really saying what it was for, bought myself some chips and had extra money. I don't remember what I bought with that money or how often I did it, but that was my business and finance class for me.



I quit doing drugs completely and drinking(so much) at 18.  I moved to California a few years later, once I got my ideas down about what I wanted to do with the remainder of my life. Which is make films. Been here ever since doing things responsibly as a man should. "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me." 1 Corinthians 13:11

Poor Old Rick

There was an old man named Rick who was too stupid and old to do anything new with his life. He was stuck in a dead end job that went nowhere too. He had served in the army when he was younger, but was kicked out for being too lazy there too. He let a whole platoon get killed because he was too busy trying to impress a woman that was out of his class. He tried harder to be liked than to be respected and that was his downfall.
This story isn't about that though. Its about his downfall creating a new view on life for him. You see, he wanted to die. He had nothing to provide his family for. He barely paid any attention to them anyway. His wife cared about him enough, and she knew that he could not be made to be what he could not become. So he just went to work. Now what happened was that the people that worked there saw how lazy and oafish he was, that they snickered as he walked by thinking he was cared for there. The true fact is that the other employees wanted the boss to fire him. But the boss never fired him, for reasons unknown.
The story starts with Rick coming into work late as usual, thinking that nobody noticed, but everybody did and looked down on him for it. Here's what really annoyed the workers. What Rick would do in 7 hours time, anybody else there could do in 2 hours time. Now this really makes the workers look bad, because if they would hire and keep someone who is so worthless, what makes them think that there could ever be a pay raise or that the company would last so long.
Rick would come in and sit down, drink his coffee and look busy for an hour, thinking he did a good job. After a while, he would push a few pieces of paper around his area to make it look like he had done something. So he worked harder at looking like he worked hard than actually working hard.
Once he had drank his coffee, he grabbed his keys and started his driving route. But here is a tough part for him. To drive a 2 hour route, he takes 3 hours so he can not be in the office and get paid for it. While everyone else is rushing to get work done, this jackass lazily takes his time. Its obvious he doesn't belong at the job where hard working people are.
Once he gets back to the office, Rick goes to the bathroom as soon as he drops off what he picked up. This is like clockwork for him. He goes there and spends 30 minutes walking around talking on his phone to unimportant people.
Well its almost closing time for the office, so Rick grabs a coffee pot and goes to wash it, taking another 30 minutes. He's done for the day. He sits at his area, staring blankly at a non existent life filled with no hopes and no dreams which he might have had before they crushed his soul. The only thing he can really look forward to is death since that is the only way his pain can go away.

Death by Motorcycle

A an older balding gentleman drives his Ford Festiva, and nice happy music plays, until a biker gets behind him, dark music hits, and he is sweaty and scared. The biker becomes a Mad Max type in his brain, he freaks out. Hilarity ensues.
The ending is that the biker behind him turns and is gone, but then he rides up to a biker in front of him at a red light. Then another biker gets behind him, and to the side of him. Maybe even a biker gang. Short film

Eye for an eye

The idea is, if the law won't protect the decent people, they have to take the law into their own hands.

Growing up(DAMMIT)

The basis for a film is extremity. These are normal extreme events in my life.
My childhood:
mother who slowly lost her mind.
father who was never there
sister who was my mortal enemy even though I loved her
brother who i never met. Given up for adoption.
mother ended up crazy. but she loved me deeply.
Sister was a narc. Never trusted her. Still don't. She ratted me out for anything to get me in trouble. The only thing I had against her was when she turned teen, i could say she was pregnant.
Parents divorce went down bad. Cops coming, mom throwing and breaking everything. Did he cheat on her because of her mental state?
Great childhood years were the youngest years.
I remember mom coughing up blood when smoking, i was 3 or 4.
My biggest way out of the dysfunctional family was to have great friends. In 7th grade I met my friends. They were the only ones I ever trusted. I was probably not the greatest friend but I wanted to be.
I did not have a real girlfriend til age 16. She was 19.
My parents didn't see my talents or try to encourage them. All they wanted was for me to be a doctor, the reason? I still don't know why.
My brother Matt was the greatest gift I had ever gotten for my birthday. I think I was 14 years old.
I was the biggest nerd by definition as a kid. I wore thick glasses, dressed in sweaters that my mom got me. I never owned a pair of Nike's until I bought them myself as a teenager.
I took on the biggest guy in school when I moved to a new elementary in 5th grade. He was in 6th grade. Chad Thrower. Actually a really cool guy I found out later. We played rugby and no one dared try to get the ball from him, I got my head kicked in quite a few times, but afterwards, he gave me his hand and helped me up in front of everyone. I knew that I was not made of glass then.
I was not liked by the middle class kids back then. I lived in the middle class area but was really lower middle class.


I used to chase cats and throw rocks at them. I don't know why.
I tried to throw a party, but my sister ratted me out and my parents ended up not leaving. I had 60 kids running around my neighborhood.
The first time I bought marijuana, it was fake. I really felt high though. Explain that.
The first time I dropped acid, it was fake. I really saw a snake in class though. Explain that to me too.
I never felt much from coke. My friends got pretty heavy on it though.

Recently, I decided I did not want or need my sister and father in my life. As much as I love them, they do not seem to care for anyone but themselves and to make themselves look better to a not caring audience.

I was good at selling. I made major money my first year in my career without a college degree. I knew I had something back then.

I got fired from there because I got greedy and fixed the system to give me more money than what I had been working for. My actions were in retaliation for pumping me up for manager and hiring from the outside. I was young and impressionable. I would never trust a corporation again. I'll work with them...but my trust is only as far as I can throw the guy.
I ended up working for AT&T Wireless, another corporation cause I needed the money. I got myself fired when I found out about unemployment. It was the laziest 6 months I ever had. I planned to shoot a movie during the time but got so lazy I never even got around to it. Now I know: I need to work. If I ever got rich, I would probably pick up drinking martinis or something ridiculous.

Moved to California in 2006. Still in debt. Can't wait to be out of debt so I can use up more credit than ever before. This time I know what I'll be using that credit for now. It won't be for fun and games. Its all for business.